Today was the best run I've had in quite awhile. The sun was shining, the grass vibrant green, the air crisp and the energy palpable! With feel-good music blasting through my headphones, I had the strongest urge open my arms, throw my head to the sky and arch my back, soaking up every ounce of sunlight ferociously. Due to the passing cars, I resisted - but don't think for one second that I didn't do it in my head.
There's something about this time of year that brings rejuvenation and a pleasant peace. I love Fall, and the way it leads me to tap into my ambition and start new projects. I'm redoing my basement, started a craft group, and when I don't have Gracie I'm back at Karate. Overall, I can't complain. Life is pretty good, and I look forward to the next few months of invigoration, as I stock up for winter.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Although energy is all around us, we have to do our part to go out and get it. We won't find it lying in bed, we won't find it while dragging our feet through our daily tasks, and we certainly won't find it while watching another meaningless tv show. Turn on some great music, open the windows, move your body and invite others to join with you! There's an abundance around every corner, and it can be found through even the smallest efforts.
QUOTE: Our energy is in proportion to the resistance it meets. -William Hazlitt
Sep 10, 2010
Aug 27, 2010
So THIS is what writer's block feels like
Arrrrgh! It's official. I've hit writer's block. It's a shame I didn't just force my way through it a month ago, but here I am, picking away, bound and determined to finish what I've started!
Since entries are in chronological order, it's hard to know which I have or haven't added... so here's a list of new entries published from here on out. (I'll add to it with each post).
Day 75: Responsibility for our Roles
Day 67: Look ahead and press to your new target
Day 81: Ask why
Day 84: A New Normal
Day 85: No longer a victim
Day 65: Growing Pains
Day 80: 10 days left
Since entries are in chronological order, it's hard to know which I have or haven't added... so here's a list of new entries published from here on out. (I'll add to it with each post).
Day 75: Responsibility for our Roles
Day 67: Look ahead and press to your new target
Day 81: Ask why
Day 84: A New Normal
Day 85: No longer a victim
Day 65: Growing Pains
Day 80: 10 days left
Aug 15, 2010
Don't fret, I'm still alive.
Sorry I left ya'll hanging for a while. The end of my 90 days has long passed and, believe it or not, I have the last 2 weeks outlined, I just never completed or published a single day. Why? I guess the looming deadline and reality that my challenge was almost over left me feeling overwhelmed, pressured and even inadequate. I felt I needed to end on a profound note, and the idea of being profound seemed just a little beyond me. It still does. And so I'll slowly start finishing each day with exactly what I have, profound or not, it is what it is.
Jul 14, 2010
Day 85: No longer a victim
This afternoon I had lunch with a friend I haven't seen in several years. Funny, how time has changed so little. She's still the fun, cheerful and adventurous girl next door, and I mean that literally. She moved next door to me during my first year of marriage, where she and her husband were happy newlyweds, and clearly best friends. A few months later I was baffled to learn that he had cheated on her, with her best friend. They divorced and she moved to Thailand for several months to discover herself. This week she moved back to Utah, after spending years in California. Talking to her was both healing and hopeful. She's so strong and independent, I almost forgot that she, like so many, had a marriage end in disappointment. In awe, I asked how she has moved on so well, how she has moved past the role of victim. She shrugged her shoulders, "It just comes with time. It's been 5 years. I think I finally let go of that around year two. Eventually you just let go."
Though my divorce will always be a part of me, I'm beginning to relinquish the victim role. At-least I'm trying to. This has been a process, and will continue to be. I've had to be gentle with myself. A few weeks ago I caught myself complaining to a dear friend when I said, "I'm sorry to bring negative energy into your home. I should be strong and amazing, and keep these things to myself. It's like... get over it already!" She interrupted, "Natalie! I understand. This is the place you are in, right now. You have every right to feel how you do, and you need to express it. In fact, it would be unhealthy not to. You have to share your story numerous times before you can feel satisfied and really begin to move on. Now if you're complaining two years from now, you bet I'll tell you to get over it."
I was hoping to write an entry at the end of my 90 days, on how I've released the toxic role of victim, but that liberation has yet to arrive. As much as I'd like to say I'm no longer a victim, I'm not quite there yet. And so, here's to time: may it deaden the hurt, heal the wound and make a better woman out of me. And may I be gentle and patient with myself during the process.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Rightful or not, claiming the role of victim, after too long, becomes toxic. Though you may find yourself there for a period of time, if you continue to dwell on your woes, or make a conscious choice to remain stuck in the situation, you move from being a victim to a martyr... and nobody likes a martyr.
So how do you move past being a victim? First, accept personal responsibility. This includes admitting your role in the problem, and simply owning the problem. Whether or not you're at fault, you have no power to fix a problem until you can somehow own it.
Second, stop blaming others, and let go of resentment. Passing blame leaves someone else in control, as you wait for them to make the changes necessary in order for you to move on. Stop empowering those who hurt you by owning the problem, letting go of resentment, then moving forward to determine your own happiness.
Third, accept the situation for what it is, and learn from your misfortune. Once you concede that you can not control the situation, or that a person will not change, you set yourself free from their shackles to heal and grow.
QUOTE: "You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.” -Jim Rohn
Jul 13, 2010
Day 84: A New Normal
I spent today at my parents home, located in a quaint town in Idaho, population 2785 - where the air is clean, the summers are cool and the streets are wide. I was surprised at the comfort I found in being home, and the appreciation I felt for the familiar. These feelings were absent just one short year ago.
I loaded Gracie into mom's dainty umbrella stroller, and we enjoyed an evening amble down the road I grew up on, the little stroller vibrating with glee. I inhaled deeply, holding the bracing mountain air in my lungs and borrowing energy from the cool breeze dancing across my face. "This is the stuff life is made of," I thought to myself. "Everything's gonna be alright." In that moment, I felt immense relief in the realization that life has finally began moving on. I feel normal. I feel happy. I even feel complete (most of the time).
My life is different than it was, but I'm ok with that. I'm on a new path I never fathomed I would travel, yet I'm grateful for it. Today I realized I have let go of what was, and fully embrace what is. And it is good.
TODAY'S FOCUS: When the life we planned for is trespassed by change, it's all too easy to get caught up in what we've lost and miss what we might become. Life moves on, whether we like it or not, and what was once normal must be redefined, again and again. As we find the strength to let go of what was, opportunities of the future begin to present themselves abundantly. Press forward one day at a time,because, no matter the change, with time, normal will always return.
QUOTE: “When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” -Alexander Graham Bell
I loaded Gracie into mom's dainty umbrella stroller, and we enjoyed an evening amble down the road I grew up on, the little stroller vibrating with glee. I inhaled deeply, holding the bracing mountain air in my lungs and borrowing energy from the cool breeze dancing across my face. "This is the stuff life is made of," I thought to myself. "Everything's gonna be alright." In that moment, I felt immense relief in the realization that life has finally began moving on. I feel normal. I feel happy. I even feel complete (most of the time).
My life is different than it was, but I'm ok with that. I'm on a new path I never fathomed I would travel, yet I'm grateful for it. Today I realized I have let go of what was, and fully embrace what is. And it is good.
TODAY'S FOCUS: When the life we planned for is trespassed by change, it's all too easy to get caught up in what we've lost and miss what we might become. Life moves on, whether we like it or not, and what was once normal must be redefined, again and again. As we find the strength to let go of what was, opportunities of the future begin to present themselves abundantly. Press forward one day at a time,because, no matter the change, with time, normal will always return.
QUOTE: “When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” -Alexander Graham Bell
Jul 10, 2010
Day 81: Ask Why
Today has not been so hot. Moving from a serious relationship to one of hazy terms is proving difficult, and has put me in a strange place where I have a tendency to play games with Stellar-Steve. Obviously this is not effective, nor necessary, but it's the route I chose today.
I was craving time with him, but our awkward position, and the fact that he lives an hour away, were not very accommodating. I don't know what got into me, but I had a two or three hour period where I completley pestered the poor guy, going from needy and begging to demanding and teasing then apologetic and doting, all in a thirty minute period. Then I turned around and repeated the pattern twice more. Though I was being playful, and he was amused, I knew it had to come to an end. I finally stopped my teasing long enough to ask myself, "What are you doing, Natalie? And why?" Those words proved invaluable. I regained my composure, accepted that I wasn't going to spend time with him today, and returned to my authentic self - moving on with my day and making the most of my time, while letting Stellar-Steve do the same.
"Why" is a question I've asked myself often these last few days. Why am I doing what I'm doing? What are my intentions? What is the desired result? Minus today's episode, these questions have helped me uncover effective communication and resist the temptation to play mind games. It's been quite liberating, really.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Before you blurt out that next word or display loud and incongruent body language, stop and ask yourself, "Why? What are my motives? What am I trying to accomplish?" If there's a more mature and effective way to go about it, which there probably is, then do so. Before doing anything, CTR: Consider the results.
... Now if I could only practice this consistently, imagine how efficient I could be.
QUOTE: "Think before you act and act on what you believe." -Bo Bennett
I was craving time with him, but our awkward position, and the fact that he lives an hour away, were not very accommodating. I don't know what got into me, but I had a two or three hour period where I completley pestered the poor guy, going from needy and begging to demanding and teasing then apologetic and doting, all in a thirty minute period. Then I turned around and repeated the pattern twice more. Though I was being playful, and he was amused, I knew it had to come to an end. I finally stopped my teasing long enough to ask myself, "What are you doing, Natalie? And why?" Those words proved invaluable. I regained my composure, accepted that I wasn't going to spend time with him today, and returned to my authentic self - moving on with my day and making the most of my time, while letting Stellar-Steve do the same.
"Why" is a question I've asked myself often these last few days. Why am I doing what I'm doing? What are my intentions? What is the desired result? Minus today's episode, these questions have helped me uncover effective communication and resist the temptation to play mind games. It's been quite liberating, really.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Before you blurt out that next word or display loud and incongruent body language, stop and ask yourself, "Why? What are my motives? What am I trying to accomplish?" If there's a more mature and effective way to go about it, which there probably is, then do so. Before doing anything, CTR: Consider the results.
... Now if I could only practice this consistently, imagine how efficient I could be.
QUOTE: "Think before you act and act on what you believe." -Bo Bennett
Jul 9, 2010
Day 80: 10 days left
As my 90 days draw to a close, I find myself in a sort of sad haze, knowing I will no-longer be accountable for a daily record. I remember around day 10, a quiet panic set in as I thought to myself, "I have 80 days to go. What if I run out of things to write about?" Now, with only 10 days left, I've found myself with more topics than I have days. I am left both satisfied and surprised.
Writing has proven most therapeutic, and doing so every day has admittedly influenced how I think and act, knowing that I'm expected to find a lesson out of each day, no matter how good or bad. Often, finding a lesson has required immense stretching and creativity, but my self-imposed obligation always found a way to meet the challenge. I'm not sure the results were always great... but the effort was always made. lol Interesting, the things we can accomplish when we have to.
TODAY'S FOCUS: We do what we must to do, we get we must have, and we are who we must be - because what we should do, should have and should be lacks power and purpose. The very word, "should" is based on contingency and conditionality. For most, should is simply an idiom for "no one is demanding it of me, so I won't demand it of myself." As each should passes us by, we lose the opportunity to become what we might have been or, as Tony Robbins puts it, "We should all over ourselves." (Read it out-loud, you'll get it). On the other hand, when we live up to our privileges and convert our most important shoulds into musts... we gain confidence and are empowered.
Greatness is found by raising our standards, changing what we demand of ourselves, and determining what we will no longer tolerate, and what we want to become. It is found by consistently doing the things we demand of ourselves, because only we know whether or not we're stretching to reach our full potential.
Whether it's to exercise, manage your finances, read your scriptures, or share more quality time with your children... take a moment to write down a list of your shoulds, then pick your top three, recognize the the pain attached by NOT meeting them, and determine to make them musts. Why not start today? You really should. Must.
QUOTE: "You see, in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action!" - Anthony Robbins
Writing has proven most therapeutic, and doing so every day has admittedly influenced how I think and act, knowing that I'm expected to find a lesson out of each day, no matter how good or bad. Often, finding a lesson has required immense stretching and creativity, but my self-imposed obligation always found a way to meet the challenge. I'm not sure the results were always great... but the effort was always made. lol Interesting, the things we can accomplish when we have to.
TODAY'S FOCUS: We do what we must to do, we get we must have, and we are who we must be - because what we should do, should have and should be lacks power and purpose. The very word, "should" is based on contingency and conditionality. For most, should is simply an idiom for "no one is demanding it of me, so I won't demand it of myself." As each should passes us by, we lose the opportunity to become what we might have been or, as Tony Robbins puts it, "We should all over ourselves." (Read it out-loud, you'll get it). On the other hand, when we live up to our privileges and convert our most important shoulds into musts... we gain confidence and are empowered.
Greatness is found by raising our standards, changing what we demand of ourselves, and determining what we will no longer tolerate, and what we want to become. It is found by consistently doing the things we demand of ourselves, because only we know whether or not we're stretching to reach our full potential.
Whether it's to exercise, manage your finances, read your scriptures, or share more quality time with your children... take a moment to write down a list of your shoulds, then pick your top three, recognize the the pain attached by NOT meeting them, and determine to make them musts. Why not start today? You really should. Must.
QUOTE: "You see, in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action!" - Anthony Robbins
Jul 8, 2010
Day 79: I'm grateful for work
I was busy today. Very busy. I didn't have my daughter, so I used the day to catch up on errands and focus on business. As I pushed past my comfort zone and faced projects I would have preferred to ignore, each minute accomplishment provided positive reinforcement and the motivation to approach the next task. The momentum was beautiful, the synergy hopeful and my exhaustion rewarding. Few things compare to the satisfaction derived from hard work, and knowing you gave it your all.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Work is a necessity of life and, like good health, is not fully appreciated until it's gone. While many may dream of a life without work, it's not until they no longer need it or they lose it that they realize the importance it holds. Take today to be grateful for work, and the forward motion it lends to life.
QUOTE: "Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction." -Anne Frank
TODAY'S FOCUS: Work is a necessity of life and, like good health, is not fully appreciated until it's gone. While many may dream of a life without work, it's not until they no longer need it or they lose it that they realize the importance it holds. Take today to be grateful for work, and the forward motion it lends to life.
QUOTE: "Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction." -Anne Frank
Jul 7, 2010
Day 78: Overcoming Loneliness
I just had a conversation with a divorced friend seeking advice. His biggest question: "How do you deal with the loneliness?" My reply? "Uh..." (cricket, cricket. lol). Of all people, I'm the least qualified to discuss dealing with loneliness - but then again I'm probably the least qualified to discuss most every topic I dive into, so here we go.
I always imagined loneliness to be a surreptitious intruder, waiting for the darkest hours of night to envelop me in his cold arms and smugly stroke my hair as I fall asleep. Turns out he's less scrupulous than that, and invades even in open daylight. I remember finding him last Thanksgiving as I was surrounded by all of my loved ones. Strangely, I'd never felt so alone. He crept up when Gracie took her first step. I was elated with her milestone, and devastated to have no-one to share it with. He finds me in moments of utter happiness, when the sun is shining and I'm on top of the world. What good is sitting on top of the world if loneliness is the only one sitting next to me? Following triumph, he blindsides me and snickers apathetically, "You're doing great! ... Too bad you're doing it alone."
Don't get me wrong, he's not lurking behind every good moment. Though I haven't found a solution to rid him completely, I have learned that his nagging grows faint as I involve myself in a worthwhile cause - so that's exactly what I try to do. I'm still interrupted by the occasional outburst... but he has spurred me on to worthwhile causes and a journey of self-discovery. Oh the soliloquies I've enjoyed.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Loneliness is inevitable but, when harnessed correctly, can become a gift which leads to self-discovery on a grand scale. As you come to know of your individuality, the pangs of loneliness transform into the pleasure of solitude and you escape the greatest loneliness of all - that of not knowing yourself.
Loneliness serves as an invitation for uninterrupted growth and, though a formidable journey, can help you uncover a cause to live for; An interest which, like a sponge, will absorb all of your attention and keep loneliness at a considerable distance. The greater your involvement, the wider the gap.
QUOTE: "Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone." -Paul Tillich
I always imagined loneliness to be a surreptitious intruder, waiting for the darkest hours of night to envelop me in his cold arms and smugly stroke my hair as I fall asleep. Turns out he's less scrupulous than that, and invades even in open daylight. I remember finding him last Thanksgiving as I was surrounded by all of my loved ones. Strangely, I'd never felt so alone. He crept up when Gracie took her first step. I was elated with her milestone, and devastated to have no-one to share it with. He finds me in moments of utter happiness, when the sun is shining and I'm on top of the world. What good is sitting on top of the world if loneliness is the only one sitting next to me? Following triumph, he blindsides me and snickers apathetically, "You're doing great! ... Too bad you're doing it alone."
Don't get me wrong, he's not lurking behind every good moment. Though I haven't found a solution to rid him completely, I have learned that his nagging grows faint as I involve myself in a worthwhile cause - so that's exactly what I try to do. I'm still interrupted by the occasional outburst... but he has spurred me on to worthwhile causes and a journey of self-discovery. Oh the soliloquies I've enjoyed.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Loneliness is inevitable but, when harnessed correctly, can become a gift which leads to self-discovery on a grand scale. As you come to know of your individuality, the pangs of loneliness transform into the pleasure of solitude and you escape the greatest loneliness of all - that of not knowing yourself.
Loneliness serves as an invitation for uninterrupted growth and, though a formidable journey, can help you uncover a cause to live for; An interest which, like a sponge, will absorb all of your attention and keep loneliness at a considerable distance. The greater your involvement, the wider the gap.
QUOTE: "Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone." -Paul Tillich
Jul 6, 2010
Day 77: Strength in a small success
It's 10pm, and in this moment there's nothing I want more than a bowl of chili. Really? Chili? Chocolate or popcorn would be understandable... but chili? Being void of hunger, I guess I'll practice a little self-control and push past my craving.
And there you have it. The mode of my entire day. An hour hasn't gone by without my implementing logic in an effort to maintain perspective and conquer my cravings and emotions. I've spent the majority of today reminding myself that going slow with Stellar-Steve isn't a bad thing, and taking time never hurt anyone. My emotions disagree.
Still. Chili is on my mind, and I salivate at the very thought of it. I will resist and bask in my success, trusting that if I can conquer the small and trivial I can conquer the large and momentous.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Master the little things. Minute victories provide the strength and confidence that leads to grand triumph and, likewise, failure in the small things precede failure in the large. Next time you hear yourself saying, "A little won't hurt..." think again.
QUOTE: "Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves." -Dale Carnegie
And there you have it. The mode of my entire day. An hour hasn't gone by without my implementing logic in an effort to maintain perspective and conquer my cravings and emotions. I've spent the majority of today reminding myself that going slow with Stellar-Steve isn't a bad thing, and taking time never hurt anyone. My emotions disagree.
Still. Chili is on my mind, and I salivate at the very thought of it. I will resist and bask in my success, trusting that if I can conquer the small and trivial I can conquer the large and momentous.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Master the little things. Minute victories provide the strength and confidence that leads to grand triumph and, likewise, failure in the small things precede failure in the large. Next time you hear yourself saying, "A little won't hurt..." think again.
QUOTE: "Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves." -Dale Carnegie
Jul 5, 2010
Day 76: The importance of a clean home
I had a simple day. I played with Gracie when she was awake and wrote when she was asleep. I didn't exercise and, in fact, I didn't even get ready for the day. "While I'm at it," I thought, "I might as well let the house go messy. I'll clean it tomorrow." A friend called and asked me to dinner. "Sorry, I can't. I'm in my pj's and refuse to get dressed. Today I'm bumming it, and in a few hours I'll just be back in bed anyway," I feigned embarrassment, while proudly relaxing. The decision was made and I was not budging. That is.... until 7:00pm.
I couldn't take it anymore, and decided I should at-least put away the clean dishes. Before I knew it I'd cleaned the main level and found myself starting on the dreaded basement. I've so much left to organize, but found pleasure in throwing away my x-husbands golf magazines and the dried flower arrangement from my 5-year anniversary. Life is less cluttered and I'm feeling a bit more organized. I'm glad I didn't wait until tomorrow.
TODAY'S FOCUS: There is a peace of mind, satisfaction and confidence that comes with a clean home and welcoming environment. It does wonders for the psyche. The numerous physical and emotional benefits are obvious, but one that is often overlooked is the fact that a well-kept home demonstrates self-regulation - the ability to set aside excuses and behave in accordance with order and goals, regardless of current emotions or circumstances. Self-regulation in one arena trickles down into others, so begin in the place that affects every member of the family. The home. This is not to demand a perfect home or ask for more than you can do, but if efforts are made daily and a routine adhered to, order can be found and a haven maintained.
QUOTE: "Order is Heaven's first law." -Alexander Pope
I couldn't take it anymore, and decided I should at-least put away the clean dishes. Before I knew it I'd cleaned the main level and found myself starting on the dreaded basement. I've so much left to organize, but found pleasure in throwing away my x-husbands golf magazines and the dried flower arrangement from my 5-year anniversary. Life is less cluttered and I'm feeling a bit more organized. I'm glad I didn't wait until tomorrow.
TODAY'S FOCUS: There is a peace of mind, satisfaction and confidence that comes with a clean home and welcoming environment. It does wonders for the psyche. The numerous physical and emotional benefits are obvious, but one that is often overlooked is the fact that a well-kept home demonstrates self-regulation - the ability to set aside excuses and behave in accordance with order and goals, regardless of current emotions or circumstances. Self-regulation in one arena trickles down into others, so begin in the place that affects every member of the family. The home. This is not to demand a perfect home or ask for more than you can do, but if efforts are made daily and a routine adhered to, order can be found and a haven maintained.
QUOTE: "Order is Heaven's first law." -Alexander Pope
Jul 4, 2010
Day 75: Responsibility for our Roles
I'm so torn over last nights conclusion. Emotionally I long for a serious relationship and crave the comfort it provides, but logically I know what I need. The most important thing is that I recover. That I'm whole. That I feel to a point where a healthy long-term relationship is possible. Stellar-Steve agrees.
My steps toward loving and trusting again have provided immense healing and hope, and shed new light on myself in a different environment. Steve has been an answer to my prayers, and I don't regret the risk in loving again. I've learned much about myself, including the fact that I'm not currently playing the role I'd like to play in my next marriage - and I was able to focus on exactly what that role should consist of. I'm slowing down with Steve and hitting the reset button now, while I strive to become that woman without leaning too heavily on him. I trust that doing so will lay the foundation for a healthy future relationship.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Too often, and too easily, we begin relationships while unhealthy, looking to the other party for fulfillment instead of looking inward. (I did this in my first marriage). Whether you're the culprit or the accomplice, both parties get stuck playing a role that benefits neither. While one plays the role of needy, the other plays the role of savior, and both develop an unhealthy dependency. Should one emerge in an effort to improve, the other is left feeling empty-handed, because the role they've grown accustomed to no longer "fits" in their relationship.
Determine the role you want to play before you enter a relationship, then do your best to live that role now. (If you're already in a relationship, take time together to define the current roles you hold, then redefine together, with patience and communication). We are each responsible for the roles we play, so if we don't like where we're at, it's up to us to change. (Not our partner).
QUOTE: “The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs." -Joan Didion
My steps toward loving and trusting again have provided immense healing and hope, and shed new light on myself in a different environment. Steve has been an answer to my prayers, and I don't regret the risk in loving again. I've learned much about myself, including the fact that I'm not currently playing the role I'd like to play in my next marriage - and I was able to focus on exactly what that role should consist of. I'm slowing down with Steve and hitting the reset button now, while I strive to become that woman without leaning too heavily on him. I trust that doing so will lay the foundation for a healthy future relationship.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Too often, and too easily, we begin relationships while unhealthy, looking to the other party for fulfillment instead of looking inward. (I did this in my first marriage). Whether you're the culprit or the accomplice, both parties get stuck playing a role that benefits neither. While one plays the role of needy, the other plays the role of savior, and both develop an unhealthy dependency. Should one emerge in an effort to improve, the other is left feeling empty-handed, because the role they've grown accustomed to no longer "fits" in their relationship.
Determine the role you want to play before you enter a relationship, then do your best to live that role now. (If you're already in a relationship, take time together to define the current roles you hold, then redefine together, with patience and communication). We are each responsible for the roles we play, so if we don't like where we're at, it's up to us to change. (Not our partner).
QUOTE: “The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs." -Joan Didion
Jul 3, 2010
Day 74: An inside-out approach
Is there anything more American than a small-town 4th of July parade? The children, the floats, the sirens and candy... it made the perfect Saturday morning, complete with ideal weather and a mellow mood. Afterward, Stellar-Steve and I went to a movie with his family, then ran a few miles to burn the popcorn and sweets we'd indulged in. I love being with a man who shares my values. From physical to emotional wellness, he understands me, and often knows what I need even before I know I need it. One such need has been weighing on my mind, and today it was he who brought it up.
Though neither of us have wanted to admit it, this last week we've both realized that I need more time to heal. I've grown tremendously, but I'm not out of the woods yet. My heart needs to mend and I need to find complete inner strength and validation alone, so I can offer my whole and best self to another. I need to gain an assurance that I'm worthy to be loved, exactly the way I am, the good with the bad. I'm most uncomfortable saying that, and even in this moment I'm tempted to retract my words. I feel surprisingly exposed and vulnerable, yet I've learned that feeling unworthy of love is a common theme among divorcees, and one which many assuage with the excitement and security of a new relationship. This is one pitfall I must avoid.
I'm not sure where this leaves Stellar-Steve and I... but cat's out of the bag and reality must be faced. I'm most impressed with his maturity and long-term perspective. He loves me enough to want me at my best, even at the risk of losing me by letting go. We'll still date, but we're moving from a serious relationship to casual dating, ensuring I don't lean on him more than I should.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Painting over rust never gets rid of it. Though it may look pristine, it's only a matter of time before the hidden rust makes its way to the surface and, once again, the ugly pattern begins. As painful as it may be, use the time and tools necessary to properly remove the rust from your life, so your work of art is a genuine masterpiece, rather than a sham waiting to be uncovered.
QUOTE: "The 'Inside-Out' approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with th emost inside part of self - with your paradigms, your character and your motives. The inside-out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves recedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves." -Stephen R. Covey
Though neither of us have wanted to admit it, this last week we've both realized that I need more time to heal. I've grown tremendously, but I'm not out of the woods yet. My heart needs to mend and I need to find complete inner strength and validation alone, so I can offer my whole and best self to another. I need to gain an assurance that I'm worthy to be loved, exactly the way I am, the good with the bad. I'm most uncomfortable saying that, and even in this moment I'm tempted to retract my words. I feel surprisingly exposed and vulnerable, yet I've learned that feeling unworthy of love is a common theme among divorcees, and one which many assuage with the excitement and security of a new relationship. This is one pitfall I must avoid.
I'm not sure where this leaves Stellar-Steve and I... but cat's out of the bag and reality must be faced. I'm most impressed with his maturity and long-term perspective. He loves me enough to want me at my best, even at the risk of losing me by letting go. We'll still date, but we're moving from a serious relationship to casual dating, ensuring I don't lean on him more than I should.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Painting over rust never gets rid of it. Though it may look pristine, it's only a matter of time before the hidden rust makes its way to the surface and, once again, the ugly pattern begins. As painful as it may be, use the time and tools necessary to properly remove the rust from your life, so your work of art is a genuine masterpiece, rather than a sham waiting to be uncovered.
QUOTE: "The 'Inside-Out' approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with th emost inside part of self - with your paradigms, your character and your motives. The inside-out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves recedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves." -Stephen R. Covey
Jul 2, 2010
Day 73: Communicate. ...Communicate.
What a wonderful way to begin the Holiday weekend! I spent the evening with Stellar-Steve and his family, where we laughed, enjoyed good (and bad) music, and got sick on junk food while watching fireworks. The drive there and back gave plenty of time for conversation, which led to an eye-opening experience.
I'm pretty good at putting my foot in my mouth, and Stellar-Steve is pretty good at letting it roll off his shoulders. I, on the other hand, don't do well when offended, and my body language makes it known. Tonight I had such a moment, and Stellar-Steve insisted we talk it out until we came to the bottom of the matter, and I feel at peace. His patience and persistence were most impressive, and changing the subject or ignoring the issue was not an option. I forgot how much work proper communication requires, and tonight I realized it was absent from my marriage. A mistake I will not repeat.
If I addressed a problem in marriage, my spouse would either walk away or agree with me, in an effort to end the conversation. If he addressed a problem I would take it personally and cry, so he never bothered confronting me. For years I thought we had a perfect marriage. Now I realize we had as many problems as anyone else, I was simply unaware of them. George Bernard Shaw said, "The single biggest problem of communication is the illusion that it has taken place." I have a long way to go, but tonight I learned how it feels when true communication takes place. A surprisingly refreshing experience.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Effective communication takes work and, like most things in life, it only works for those who work at it. If you're not willing to put forth the effort to settle an issue, you'll be left with unresolved hurt, leading to resentment and anger, which can ultimately destroy the relationship. Exercise a little patience and persistence until the issue is fully resolved and both parties feel understood.
QUOTE: “When all other means of communication fail, try words” - Anonymous
I'm pretty good at putting my foot in my mouth, and Stellar-Steve is pretty good at letting it roll off his shoulders. I, on the other hand, don't do well when offended, and my body language makes it known. Tonight I had such a moment, and Stellar-Steve insisted we talk it out until we came to the bottom of the matter, and I feel at peace. His patience and persistence were most impressive, and changing the subject or ignoring the issue was not an option. I forgot how much work proper communication requires, and tonight I realized it was absent from my marriage. A mistake I will not repeat.
If I addressed a problem in marriage, my spouse would either walk away or agree with me, in an effort to end the conversation. If he addressed a problem I would take it personally and cry, so he never bothered confronting me. For years I thought we had a perfect marriage. Now I realize we had as many problems as anyone else, I was simply unaware of them. George Bernard Shaw said, "The single biggest problem of communication is the illusion that it has taken place." I have a long way to go, but tonight I learned how it feels when true communication takes place. A surprisingly refreshing experience.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Effective communication takes work and, like most things in life, it only works for those who work at it. If you're not willing to put forth the effort to settle an issue, you'll be left with unresolved hurt, leading to resentment and anger, which can ultimately destroy the relationship. Exercise a little patience and persistence until the issue is fully resolved and both parties feel understood.
QUOTE: “When all other means of communication fail, try words” - Anonymous
Jul 1, 2010
Day 72: A season for all things
Today was chill. I know what you're thinking: "Did she really just say chill?" and the answer is yes. Yes I did. Sometimes a throwback to the 90's is necessary.
After a great lunch with Stellar-Steve, I was walking to my car when I asked myself, "Why am I in such a hurry to get home? I should enjoy this weather... my to-do list can wait." And so it did. I spent the next hour at temple square, sitting in the smoldering heat, quietly observing the new brides and their families. A different couple arrived every 10 minutes, the excitement palpable as they began their new life together. I imagined the story behind each bride and groom - their miraculous meeting and romantic courtship, the patience and discipline they exercised to make it to the temple, and the reward in knowing they did so worthily (or regret in knowing they didn't). I resisted the temptation to sneak into photos and, instead, eavesdropped on a group of bridesmaids discussing which brides looked timeless and which would regret her trendy dress ten years from now. I wondered which would regret more than her dress. Perhaps I'm jaded.
I watched the happy new beginnings in envy of their day and fear of their future, simultaneously realizing how far away my own day must be. I know the challenges that come with marriage, but I also know the rewards. Strangely, I miss both, yet I'm ready for neither. The timing is off. I wish it weren't so. I'm in the season of dating again, loving again and trusting again. My day will come, but until then I must be honest with myself, maintain patience, and spend today focusing on improving myself so I can ensure a healthy future with another, reminding myself that the preparation will be worth it.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Resist the urge to rush today, in anticipation for tomorrow. From developing a talent to building a business, a strong foudation takes time, yet provides priceless strength. Practice delayed gratification and strive to make the most of your current season, trusting that your foundation will be properly laid and your patience will be rewarded.
QUOTE: "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." -Henry David Thoreau
After a great lunch with Stellar-Steve, I was walking to my car when I asked myself, "Why am I in such a hurry to get home? I should enjoy this weather... my to-do list can wait." And so it did. I spent the next hour at temple square, sitting in the smoldering heat, quietly observing the new brides and their families. A different couple arrived every 10 minutes, the excitement palpable as they began their new life together. I imagined the story behind each bride and groom - their miraculous meeting and romantic courtship, the patience and discipline they exercised to make it to the temple, and the reward in knowing they did so worthily (or regret in knowing they didn't). I resisted the temptation to sneak into photos and, instead, eavesdropped on a group of bridesmaids discussing which brides looked timeless and which would regret her trendy dress ten years from now. I wondered which would regret more than her dress. Perhaps I'm jaded.
I watched the happy new beginnings in envy of their day and fear of their future, simultaneously realizing how far away my own day must be. I know the challenges that come with marriage, but I also know the rewards. Strangely, I miss both, yet I'm ready for neither. The timing is off. I wish it weren't so. I'm in the season of dating again, loving again and trusting again. My day will come, but until then I must be honest with myself, maintain patience, and spend today focusing on improving myself so I can ensure a healthy future with another, reminding myself that the preparation will be worth it.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Resist the urge to rush today, in anticipation for tomorrow. From developing a talent to building a business, a strong foudation takes time, yet provides priceless strength. Practice delayed gratification and strive to make the most of your current season, trusting that your foundation will be properly laid and your patience will be rewarded.
QUOTE: "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." -Henry David Thoreau
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