This afternoon I had lunch with a friend I haven't seen in several years. Funny, how time has changed so little. She's still the fun, cheerful and adventurous girl next door, and I mean that literally. She moved next door to me during my first year of marriage, where she and her husband were happy newlyweds, and clearly best friends. A few months later I was baffled to learn that he had cheated on her, with her best friend. They divorced and she moved to Thailand for several months to discover herself. This week she moved back to Utah, after spending years in California. Talking to her was both healing and hopeful. She's so strong and independent, I almost forgot that she, like so many, had a marriage end in disappointment. In awe, I asked how she has moved on so well, how she has moved past the role of victim. She shrugged her shoulders, "It just comes with time. It's been 5 years. I think I finally let go of that around year two. Eventually you just let go."
Though my divorce will always be a part of me, I'm beginning to relinquish the victim role. At-least I'm trying to. This has been a process, and will continue to be. I've had to be gentle with myself. A few weeks ago I caught myself complaining to a dear friend when I said, "I'm sorry to bring negative energy into your home. I should be strong and amazing, and keep these things to myself. It's like... get over it already!" She interrupted, "Natalie! I understand. This is the place you are in, right now. You have every right to feel how you do, and you need to express it. In fact, it would be unhealthy not to. You have to share your story numerous times before you can feel satisfied and really begin to move on. Now if you're complaining two years from now, you bet I'll tell you to get over it."
I was hoping to write an entry at the end of my 90 days, on how I've released the toxic role of victim, but that liberation has yet to arrive. As much as I'd like to say I'm no longer a victim, I'm not quite there yet. And so, here's to time: may it deaden the hurt, heal the wound and make a better woman out of me. And may I be gentle and patient with myself during the process.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Rightful or not, claiming the role of victim, after too long, becomes toxic. Though you may find yourself there for a period of time, if you continue to dwell on your woes, or make a conscious choice to remain stuck in the situation, you move from being a victim to a martyr... and nobody likes a martyr.
So how do you move past being a victim? First, accept personal responsibility. This includes admitting your role in the problem, and simply owning the problem. Whether or not you're at fault, you have no power to fix a problem until you can somehow own it.
Second, stop blaming others, and let go of resentment. Passing blame leaves someone else in control, as you wait for them to make the changes necessary in order for you to move on. Stop empowering those who hurt you by owning the problem, letting go of resentment, then moving forward to determine your own happiness.
Third, accept the situation for what it is, and learn from your misfortune. Once you concede that you can not control the situation, or that a person will not change, you set yourself free from their shackles to heal and grow.
QUOTE: "You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.” -Jim Rohn
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