I'm so torn over last nights conclusion. Emotionally I long for a serious relationship and crave the comfort it provides, but logically I know what I need. The most important thing is that I recover. That I'm whole. That I feel to a point where a healthy long-term relationship is possible. Stellar-Steve agrees.
My steps toward loving and trusting again have provided immense healing and hope, and shed new light on myself in a different environment. Steve has been an answer to my prayers, and I don't regret the risk in loving again. I've learned much about myself, including the fact that I'm not currently playing the role I'd like to play in my next marriage - and I was able to focus on exactly what that role should consist of. I'm slowing down with Steve and hitting the reset button now, while I strive to become that woman without leaning too heavily on him. I trust that doing so will lay the foundation for a healthy future relationship.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Too often, and too easily, we begin relationships while unhealthy, looking to the other party for fulfillment instead of looking inward. (I did this in my first marriage). Whether you're the culprit or the accomplice, both parties get stuck playing a role that benefits neither. While one plays the role of needy, the other plays the role of savior, and both develop an unhealthy dependency. Should one emerge in an effort to improve, the other is left feeling empty-handed, because the role they've grown accustomed to no longer "fits" in their relationship.
Determine the role you want to play before you enter a relationship, then do your best to live that role now. (If you're already in a relationship, take time together to define the current roles you hold, then redefine together, with patience and communication). We are each responsible for the roles we play, so if we don't like where we're at, it's up to us to change. (Not our partner).
QUOTE: “The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs." -Joan Didion
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This is so interesting to me; I have a lady that I was visiting teaching, and got to be friends with. However, our relationship has gotten to be just as you said: one (her) has been needy, and I always feel like I have to save her from herself. It's been so draining, and I ended up having to "break-up" the friendship and step back. So the focus you give today is one that doesn't apply so much to my marriage, but to friendships I have/have had. I tend to take on the saving role a lot with relationships...however, I'm having to learn that there really is only one Savior, and anyone else taking on that role will eventually let you down.
ReplyDeleteWell said! I relate 100%, and am sad to have lost past friendships over the very same issue. Now, every time I find myself in a role I don't like I remind myself of Dr. Phil's words, "You teach people how to treat you," and I try to be more assertive and change what I allow.
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