Efforts find energy

Today was the best run I've had in quite awhile. The sun was shining, the grass vibrant green, the air crisp and the energy palpable! With feel-good music blasting through my headphones, I had the strongest urge open my arms, throw my head to the sky and arch my back, soaking up every ounce of sunlight ferociously. Due to the passing cars, I resisted - but don't think for one second that I didn't do it in my head.

There's something about this time of year that brings rejuvenation and a pleasant peace. I love Fall, and the way it leads me to tap into my ambition and start new projects. I'm redoing my basement, started a craft group, and when I don't have Gracie I'm back at Karate. Overall, I can't complain. Life is pretty good, and I look forward to the next few months of invigoration, as I stock up for winter.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Although energy is all around us, we have to do our part to go out and get it. We won't find it lying in bed, we won't find it while dragging our feet through our daily tasks, and we certainly won't find it while watching another meaningless tv show. Turn on some great music, open the windows, move your body and invite others to join with you! There's an abundance around every corner, and it can be found through even the smallest efforts.

QUOTE: Our energy is in proportion to the resistance it meets. -William Hazlitt

So THIS is what writer's block feels like

Arrrrgh! It's official. I've hit writer's block. It's a shame I didn't just force my way through it a month ago, but here I am, picking away, bound and determined to finish what I've started!


Since entries are in chronological order, it's hard to know which I have or haven't added... so here's a list of new entries published from here on out. (I'll add to it with each post).

Day 75: Responsibility for our Roles
Day 67: Look ahead and press to your new target
Day 81: Ask why
Day 84: A New Normal
Day 85: No longer a victim
Day 65: Growing Pains
Day 80: 10 days left

Don't fret, I'm still alive.

Sorry I left ya'll hanging for a while. The end of my 90 days has long passed and, believe it or not, I have the last 2 weeks outlined, I just never completed or published a single day. Why? I guess the looming deadline and reality that my challenge was almost over left me feeling overwhelmed, pressured and even inadequate. I felt I needed to end on a profound note, and the idea of being profound seemed just a little beyond me. It still does. And so I'll slowly start finishing each day with exactly what I have, profound or not, it is what it is.

Day 85: No longer a victim

This afternoon I had lunch with a friend I haven't seen in several years. Funny, how time has changed so little. She's still the fun, cheerful and adventurous girl next door, and I mean that literally. She moved next door to me during my first year of marriage, where she and her husband were happy newlyweds, and clearly best friends. A few months later I was baffled to learn that he had cheated on her, with her best friend. They divorced and she moved to Thailand for several months to discover herself. This week she moved back to Utah, after spending years in California. Talking to her was both healing and hopeful. She's so strong and independent, I almost forgot that she, like so many, had a marriage end in disappointment. In awe, I asked how she has moved on so well, how she has moved past the role of victim. She shrugged her shoulders, "It just comes with time. It's been 5 years. I think I finally let go of that around year two. Eventually you just let go."

Though my divorce will always be a part of me, I'm beginning to relinquish the victim role. At-least I'm trying to. This has been a process, and will continue to be. I've had to be gentle with myself. A few weeks ago I caught myself complaining to a dear friend when I said, "I'm sorry to bring negative energy into your home. I should be strong and amazing, and keep these things to myself. It's like... get over it already!" She interrupted, "Natalie! I understand. This is the place you are in, right now. You have every right to feel how you do, and you need to express it. In fact, it would be unhealthy not to. You have to share your story numerous times before you can feel satisfied and really begin to move on. Now if you're complaining two years from now, you bet I'll tell you to get over it."

I was hoping to write an entry at the end of my 90 days, on how I've released the toxic role of victim, but that liberation has yet to arrive. As much as I'd like to say I'm no longer a victim, I'm not quite there yet. And so, here's to time: may it deaden the hurt, heal the wound and make a better woman out of me. And may I be gentle and patient with myself during the process.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Rightful or not, claiming the role of victim, after too long, becomes toxic. Though you may find yourself there for a period of time, if you continue to dwell on your woes, or make a conscious choice to remain stuck in the situation, you move from being a victim to a martyr... and nobody likes a martyr.

So how do you move past being a victim? First, accept personal responsibility. This includes admitting your role in the problem, and simply owning the problem. Whether or not you're at fault, you have no power to fix a problem until you can somehow own it.

Second, stop blaming others, and let go of resentment. Passing blame leaves someone else in control, as you wait for them to make the changes necessary in order for you to move on. Stop empowering those who hurt you by owning the problem, letting go of resentment, then moving forward to determine your own happiness.

Third, accept the situation for what it is, and learn from your misfortune. Once you concede that you can not control the situation, or that a person will not change, you set yourself free from their shackles to heal and grow.

QUOTE: "You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.” -Jim Rohn

Day 84: A New Normal

I spent today at my parents home, located in a quaint town in Idaho, population 2785 - where the air is clean, the summers are cool and the streets are wide. I was surprised at the comfort I found in being home, and the appreciation I felt for the familiar. These feelings were absent just one short year ago.

I loaded Gracie into mom's dainty umbrella stroller, and we enjoyed an evening amble down the road I grew up on, the little stroller vibrating with glee. I inhaled deeply, holding the bracing mountain air in my lungs and borrowing energy from the cool breeze dancing across my face. "This is the stuff life is made of," I thought to myself. "Everything's gonna be alright." In that moment, I felt immense relief in the realization that life has finally began moving on. I feel normal. I feel happy. I even feel complete (most of the time).

My life is different than it was, but I'm ok with that. I'm on a new path I never fathomed I would travel, yet I'm grateful for it. Today I realized I have let go of what was, and fully embrace what is. And it is good.

TODAY'S FOCUS: When the life we planned for is trespassed by change, it's all too easy to get caught up in what we've lost and miss what we might become. Life moves on, whether we like it or not, and what was once normal must be redefined, again and again. As we find the strength to let go of what was, opportunities of the future begin to present themselves abundantly. Press forward one day at a time,because, no matter the change, with time, normal will always return.

QUOTE: “When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” -Alexander Graham Bell

Day 81: Ask Why

Today has not been so hot. Moving from a serious relationship to one of hazy terms is proving difficult, and has put me in a strange place where I have a tendency to play games with Stellar-Steve. Obviously this is not effective, nor necessary, but it's the route I chose today.

I was craving time with him, but our awkward position, and the fact that he lives an hour away, were not very accommodating. I don't know what got into me, but I had a two or three hour period where I completley pestered the poor guy, going from needy and begging to demanding and teasing then apologetic and doting, all in a thirty minute period. Then I turned around and repeated the pattern twice more. Though I was being playful, and he was amused, I knew it had to come to an end. I finally stopped my teasing long enough to ask myself, "What are you doing, Natalie? And why?" Those words proved invaluable. I regained my composure, accepted that I wasn't going to spend time with him today, and returned to my authentic self - moving on with my day and making the most of my time, while letting Stellar-Steve do the same.

"Why" is a question I've asked myself often these last few days. Why am I doing what I'm doing? What are my intentions? What is the desired result? Minus today's episode, these questions have helped me uncover effective communication and resist the temptation to play mind games. It's been quite liberating, really.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Before you blurt out that next word or display loud and incongruent body language, stop and ask yourself, "Why? What are my motives? What am I trying to accomplish?" If there's a more mature and effective way to go about it, which there probably is, then do so. Before doing anything, CTR: Consider the results.

... Now if I could only practice this consistently, imagine how efficient I could be.

QUOTE: "Think before you act and act on what you believe." -Bo Bennett

Day 80: 10 days left

As my 90 days draw to a close, I find myself in a sort of sad haze, knowing I will no-longer be accountable for a daily record. I remember around day 10, a quiet panic set in as I thought to myself, "I have 80 days to go. What if I run out of things to write about?" Now, with only 10 days left, I've found myself with more topics than I have days. I am left both satisfied and surprised.

Writing has proven most therapeutic, and doing so every day has admittedly influenced how I think and act, knowing that I'm expected to find a lesson out of each day, no matter how good or bad. Often, finding a lesson has required immense stretching and creativity, but my self-imposed obligation always found a way to meet the challenge. I'm not sure the results were always great... but the effort was always made. lol Interesting, the things we can accomplish when we have to.

TODAY'S FOCUS: We do what we must to do, we get we must have, and we are who we must be - because what we should do, should have and should be lacks power and purpose. The very word, "should" is based on contingency and conditionality. For most, should is simply an idiom for "no one is demanding it of me, so I won't demand it of myself." As each should passes us by, we lose the opportunity to become what we might have been or, as Tony Robbins puts it, "We should all over ourselves." (Read it out-loud, you'll get it). On the other hand, when we live up to our privileges and convert our most important shoulds into musts... we gain confidence and are empowered.

Greatness is found by raising our standards, changing what we demand of ourselves, and determining what we will no longer tolerate, and what we want to become. It is found by consistently doing the things we demand of ourselves, because only we know whether or not we're stretching to reach our full potential.

Whether it's to exercise, manage your finances, read your scriptures, or share more quality time with your children... take a moment to write down a list of your shoulds, then pick your top three, recognize the the pain attached by NOT meeting them, and determine to make them musts. Why not start today? You really should. Must.

QUOTE: "You see, in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action!" - Anthony Robbins

Day 79: I'm grateful for work

I was busy today. Very busy. I didn't have my daughter, so I used the day to catch up on errands and focus on business. As I pushed past my comfort zone and faced projects I would have preferred to ignore, each minute accomplishment provided positive reinforcement and the motivation to approach the next task. The momentum was beautiful, the synergy hopeful and my exhaustion rewarding. Few things compare to the satisfaction derived from hard work, and knowing you gave it your all.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Work is a necessity of life and, like good health, is not fully appreciated until it's gone. While many may dream of a life without work, it's not until they no longer need it or they lose it that they realize the importance it holds. Take today to be grateful for work, and the forward motion it lends to life.

QUOTE: "Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction." -Anne Frank

Day 78: Overcoming Loneliness

I just had a conversation with a divorced friend seeking advice. His biggest question: "How do you deal with the loneliness?" My reply? "Uh..." (cricket, cricket. lol). Of all people, I'm the least qualified to discuss dealing with loneliness - but then again I'm probably the least qualified to discuss most every topic I dive into, so here we go.

I always imagined loneliness to be a surreptitious intruder, waiting for the darkest hours of night to envelop me in his cold arms and smugly stroke my hair as I fall asleep. Turns out he's less scrupulous than that, and invades even in open daylight. I remember finding him last Thanksgiving as I was surrounded by all of my loved ones. Strangely, I'd never felt so alone. He crept up when Gracie took her first step. I was elated with her milestone, and devastated to have no-one to share it with. He finds me in moments of utter happiness, when the sun is shining and I'm on top of the world. What good is sitting on top of the world if loneliness is the only one sitting next to me? Following triumph, he blindsides me and snickers apathetically, "You're doing great! ... Too bad you're doing it alone."

Don't get me wrong, he's not lurking behind every good moment. Though I haven't found a solution to rid him completely, I have learned that his nagging grows faint as I involve myself in a worthwhile cause - so that's exactly what I try to do. I'm still interrupted by the occasional outburst... but he has spurred me on to worthwhile causes and a journey of self-discovery. Oh the soliloquies I've enjoyed.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Loneliness is inevitable but, when harnessed correctly, can become a gift which leads to self-discovery on a grand scale. As you come to know of your individuality, the pangs of loneliness transform into the pleasure of solitude and you escape the greatest loneliness of all - that of not knowing yourself.

Loneliness serves as an invitation for uninterrupted growth and, though a formidable journey, can help you uncover a cause to live for; An interest which, like a sponge, will absorb all of your attention and keep loneliness at a considerable distance. The greater your involvement, the wider the gap.

QUOTE: "Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone." -Paul Tillich

Day 77: Strength in a small success

It's 10pm, and in this moment there's nothing I want more than a bowl of chili. Really? Chili? Chocolate or popcorn would be understandable... but chili? Being void of hunger, I guess I'll practice a little self-control and push past my craving.

And there you have it. The mode of my entire day. An hour hasn't gone by without my implementing logic in an effort to maintain perspective and conquer my cravings and emotions. I've spent the majority of today reminding myself that going slow with Stellar-Steve isn't a bad thing, and taking time never hurt anyone. My emotions disagree.

Still. Chili is on my mind, and I salivate at the very thought of it. I will resist and bask in my success, trusting that if I can conquer the small and trivial I can conquer the large and momentous.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Master the little things. Minute victories provide the strength and confidence that leads to grand triumph and, likewise, failure in the small things precede failure in the large. Next time you hear yourself saying, "A little won't hurt..." think again.

QUOTE: "Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves." -Dale Carnegie

Day 76: The importance of a clean home

I had a simple day. I played with Gracie when she was awake and wrote when she was asleep. I didn't exercise and, in fact, I didn't even get ready for the day. "While I'm at it," I thought, "I might as well let the house go messy. I'll clean it tomorrow." A friend called and asked me to dinner. "Sorry, I can't. I'm in my pj's and refuse to get dressed. Today I'm bumming it, and in a few hours I'll just be back in bed anyway," I feigned embarrassment, while proudly relaxing. The decision was made and I was not budging. That is.... until 7:00pm.

I couldn't take it anymore, and decided I should at-least put away the clean dishes. Before I knew it I'd cleaned the main level and found myself starting on the dreaded basement. I've so much left to organize, but found pleasure in throwing away my x-husbands golf magazines and the dried flower arrangement from my 5-year anniversary. Life is less cluttered and I'm feeling a bit more organized. I'm glad I didn't wait until tomorrow.

TODAY'S FOCUS: There is a peace of mind, satisfaction and confidence that comes with a clean home and welcoming environment. It does wonders for the psyche. The numerous physical and emotional benefits are obvious, but one that is often overlooked is the fact that a well-kept home demonstrates self-regulation - the ability to set aside excuses and behave in accordance with order and goals, regardless of current emotions or circumstances. Self-regulation in one arena trickles down into others, so begin in the place that affects every member of the family. The home. This is not to demand a perfect home or ask for more than you can do, but if efforts are made daily and a routine adhered to, order can be found and a haven maintained.

QUOTE: "Order is Heaven's first law." -Alexander Pope

Day 75: Responsibility for our Roles

I'm so torn over last nights conclusion. Emotionally I long for a serious relationship and crave the comfort it provides, but logically I know what I need. The most important thing is that I recover. That I'm whole. That I feel to a point where a healthy long-term relationship is possible. Stellar-Steve agrees.

My steps toward loving and trusting again have provided immense healing and hope, and shed new light on myself in a different environment. Steve has been an answer to my prayers, and I don't regret the risk in loving again. I've learned much about myself, including the fact that I'm not currently playing the role I'd like to play in my next marriage - and I was able to focus on exactly what that role should consist of. I'm slowing down with Steve and hitting the reset button now, while I strive to become that woman without leaning too heavily on him. I trust that doing so will lay the foundation for a healthy future relationship.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Too often, and too easily, we begin relationships while unhealthy, looking to the other party for fulfillment instead of looking inward. (I did this in my first marriage). Whether you're the culprit or the accomplice, both parties get stuck playing a role that benefits neither. While one plays the role of needy, the other plays the role of savior, and both develop an unhealthy dependency. Should one emerge in an effort to improve, the other is left feeling empty-handed, because the role they've grown accustomed to no longer "fits" in their relationship.

Determine the role you want to play before you enter a relationship, then do your best to live that role now. (If you're already in a relationship, take time together to define the current roles you hold, then redefine together, with patience and communication). We are each responsible for the roles we play, so if we don't like where we're at, it's up to us to change. (Not our partner).

QUOTE: “The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs." -Joan Didion

Day 74: An inside-out approach

Is there anything more American than a small-town 4th of July parade? The children, the floats, the sirens and candy... it made the perfect Saturday morning, complete with ideal weather and a mellow mood. Afterward, Stellar-Steve and I went to a movie with his family, then ran a few miles to burn the popcorn and sweets we'd indulged in. I love being with a man who shares my values. From physical to emotional wellness, he understands me, and often knows what I need even before I know I need it. One such need has been weighing on my mind, and today it was he who brought it up.

Though neither of us have wanted to admit it, this last week we've both realized that I need more time to heal. I've grown tremendously, but I'm not out of the woods yet. My heart needs to mend and I need to find complete inner strength and validation alone, so I can offer my whole and best self to another. I need to gain an assurance that I'm worthy to be loved, exactly the way I am, the good with the bad. I'm most uncomfortable saying that, and even in this moment I'm tempted to retract my words. I feel surprisingly exposed and vulnerable, yet I've learned that feeling unworthy of love is a common theme among divorcees, and one which many assuage with the excitement and security of a new relationship. This is one pitfall I must avoid.

I'm not sure where this leaves Stellar-Steve and I... but cat's out of the bag and reality must be faced. I'm most impressed with his maturity and long-term perspective. He loves me enough to want me at my best, even at the risk of losing me by letting go. We'll still date, but we're moving from a serious relationship to casual dating, ensuring I don't lean on him more than I should.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Painting over rust never gets rid of it. Though it may look pristine, it's only a matter of time before the hidden rust makes its way to the surface and, once again, the ugly pattern begins. As painful as it may be, use the time and tools necessary to properly remove the rust from your life, so your work of art is a genuine masterpiece, rather than a sham waiting to be uncovered.

QUOTE: "The 'Inside-Out' approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with th emost inside part of self - with your paradigms, your character and your motives. The inside-out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves recedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves." -Stephen R. Covey

Day 73: Communicate. ...Communicate.

What a wonderful way to begin the Holiday weekend! I spent the evening with Stellar-Steve and his family, where we laughed, enjoyed good (and bad) music, and got sick on junk food while watching fireworks. The drive there and back gave plenty of time for conversation, which led to an eye-opening experience.

I'm pretty good at putting my foot in my mouth, and Stellar-Steve is pretty good at letting it roll off his shoulders. I, on the other hand, don't do well when offended, and my body language makes it known. Tonight I had such a moment, and Stellar-Steve insisted we talk it out until we came to the bottom of the matter, and I feel at peace. His patience and persistence were most impressive, and changing the subject or ignoring the issue was not an option. I forgot how much work proper communication requires, and tonight I realized it was absent from my marriage. A mistake I will not repeat.

If I addressed a problem in marriage, my spouse would either walk away or agree with me, in an effort to end the conversation. If he addressed a problem I would take it personally and cry, so he never bothered confronting me. For years I thought we had a perfect marriage. Now I realize we had as many problems as anyone else, I was simply unaware of them. George Bernard Shaw said, "The single biggest problem of communication is the illusion that it has taken place." I have a long way to go, but tonight I learned how it feels when true communication takes place. A surprisingly refreshing experience.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Effective communication takes work and, like most things in life, it only works for those who work at it. If you're not willing to put forth the effort to settle an issue, you'll be left with unresolved hurt, leading to resentment and anger, which can ultimately destroy the relationship. Exercise a little patience and persistence until the issue is fully resolved and both parties feel understood.

QUOTE: “When all other means of communication fail, try words” - Anonymous

Day 72: A season for all things

Today was chill. I know what you're thinking: "Did she really just say chill?" and the answer is yes. Yes I did. Sometimes a throwback to the 90's is necessary.

After a great lunch with Stellar-Steve, I was walking to my car when I asked myself, "Why am I in such a hurry to get home? I should enjoy this weather... my to-do list can wait." And so it did. I spent the next hour at temple square, sitting in the smoldering heat, quietly observing the new brides and their families. A different couple arrived every 10 minutes, the excitement palpable as they began their new life together. I imagined the story behind each bride and groom - their miraculous meeting and romantic courtship, the patience and discipline they exercised to make it to the temple, and the reward in knowing they did so worthily (or regret in knowing they didn't). I resisted the temptation to sneak into photos and, instead, eavesdropped on a group of bridesmaids discussing which brides looked timeless and which would regret her trendy dress ten years from now. I wondered which would regret more than her dress. Perhaps I'm jaded.

I watched the happy new beginnings in envy of their day and fear of their future, simultaneously realizing how far away my own day must be. I know the challenges that come with marriage, but I also know the rewards. Strangely, I miss both, yet I'm ready for neither. The timing is off. I wish it weren't so. I'm in the season of dating again, loving again and trusting again. My day will come, but until then I must be honest with myself, maintain patience, and spend today focusing on improving myself so I can ensure a healthy future with another, reminding myself that the preparation will be worth it.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Resist the urge to rush today, in anticipation for tomorrow. From developing a talent to building a business, a strong foudation takes time, yet provides priceless strength. Practice delayed gratification and strive to make the most of your current season, trusting that your foundation will be properly laid and your patience will be rewarded.

QUOTE: "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." -Henry David Thoreau

Day 71: "A sharp tongue will cut your throat"

Today was horrible. Horrible! It was horrible - and it was all my fault. I woke up ready to pick a fight, and pick a fight I did. I thought it would make me feel better. Oh the deceit. You see... for the most part I've taken the high road with my x, but yesterday words were exchanged which festered into a grotesque anger and convinced me that the high road was no longer worth taking. Apparently, I forgot that I'm the beneficiary.

It could have been a great morning. Instead it began with an atrocious altercation which left me feeling confused, small and utterly despondent. What? You didn't think I'm actually strong all of the time, did you? Far from it. Regretfully, I have more than my share of faults, and if I always practiced what I preach life would be quite a different story. Evidently, aligning my actions with my standards is a lifelong quest, and today it took Stellar-Steve to help me do just that. I tried to mask my emotions over the phone, but he heard right through them and minutes later was on his way to my home, taking time off work to assuage my pain. Sadly, I didn't just lean on him today... I toppled over while he held me up, and relied on him for the vision and hope I could not find on my own. I pray I'm never in that place again.

I later called my x and made amends. Was the altercation justified? From my perspective, yes... but that doesn't make it right nor lesson the detriment to healing. Retaliation is empty. I should have been a bigger person, but what's done is done and can't be taken back. Now the road to recovery.

TODAY'S FOCUS: It only takes one moment of carelessness to undo years of carefulness. Be it a harsh word to a spouse, cruelty to a child or dishonesty with a co-worker, people cling tenaciously to the negative and one bad experience will quickly diminish ten good ones. Once damage is done there is only one path to recovery: Time and a good track record.

Be patient, hold your tongue, and resist making an important decision during your worst mood. As the wise Chinese Proverb states, "If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."

QUOTE: "Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." -Dr. Laurence J. Peter

Day 70: Don't take it personally

It's 9:04pm and I'm officially worn out! I just might make it to bed before midnight - unheard of. Today, while watching my friend's kids, we walked to the nearby grocery store so I could do some shopping as well as entertain and wear them out before nap-time. lol. Kill two birds with one stone. As we were checking out I remembered an experience from last week that has been on my mind.

I was waiting in the checkout line when I witnessed the most interesting scene unfold. The woman checking out was in a wheelchair and couldn't find her card to pay. As she took her sweet time looking for it, the next person was rung up and ready to pay - just waiting for the first woman to complete her transaction. (At this store, two can checkout at once and bag separately, because the conveyor belt splits into two directions). As she finally found her card she carried on small talk with the cashier, complaining about life in a wheelchair while swiping her card four times before realizing she was doing it wrong. The line grew antsy but feigned patience in an effort to be polite. Immediately after payment was accepted, the next woman swiped her card, clearly in a hurry to leave.

"People are so rude these days, don't ya think?" A passive aggressive statement, intended for the woman behind her. "No consideration for anything or anyone. Can't they see I'm in a wheelchair. How would they feel if they had to live in a wheelchair?"

"I'm sorry ma'am, are you implying I'm being rude?" said the second woman.

"Yes. Yes I am. I'm in a wheelchair and you're so inpatient. You're just plain rude."

"I apologize. I wasn't intending to be rude. I'm just in a hurry. My kids just got home from school and I'm not there to greet them. I didn't mean to offend you."

"Well you did. And now my day is ruined. It's not easy being in a wheelchair, ya know!"

"I'm sure it's not. I apologize and I hope your day gets better," she said sincerely, as she walked to her side of the conveyor belt and began quickly bagging her groceries.

"I need someone to bag my groceries. Isn't there any help around here? I'm in a wheelchair, can't people see that?" The cashier glanced at me and rolled her eyes, overtly irritated, as she called for help. "Society is so rude and people are so insensitive. I can't do this alone, ya know? I'm stuck in this wheelchair, how would you feel if..." Only then did she notice her groceries were nearly all bagged, and by the very woman she had yelled at 30 seconds prior. She fell silent, all tension melted away and her embarrassment was palpable.

"Thank you! That was very nice of you," she said, humbly.

"My pleasure."

"So, your kids are home from school?" The small talk began, in an effort to mend her tantrum.

"Yeah. We're adjusting to a new schedule. Dad's not around anymore, so life is always a little busy."

"Oh yeah? What happened? Did he get a new job?"

"No, no. He left me a few months ago. Got his secretary pregnant."

"Oh." An uncomfortable silence was present. "Well, you have your own complaints too, then, don't you."

"Yeah, but who doesn't. That's life, ya know."

The woman in the wheelchair thanked her, as she finished bagging her groceries and then gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "God bless you. Thank you. You are very kind."

I had to wonder how the busy mom must have felt as she walked out of there, knowing she had deflected anger geared toward her and met it with love rather than taking it personally.

TODAY'S FOCUS: People act on the outside, how the feel on the inside, and the better we understand that the easier it becomes to let possible offenses roll off our shoulders. The analogy holds true - many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and, if you let them, they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally, and refuse to spread their garbage unnecessarily to your friends, family and co-workers.

How often do we let other people's nonsense control our mood? Perhaps we let a bad driver, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin our day. This may set us back for a moment, but the mark of a successful person is how quickly they refocus on what's important. Smile, wave, wish the naysayer well, and let the garbage-truck pass by. You'll be happy you did.

QUOTE: "How you treat others is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself." -Amber Deckers

Day 69: Prioritize for fulfillment

After hours of wrestling, Gracie refused to go to bed tonight, so I finally put her in the basement, where she happily watched a movie while I ran on the treadmill. Afterward I was stretching when she ran to me and threw her little arms around my neck, followed by a slobbery kiss. It was so rewarding, I couldn't help but cuddle her while I finished stretching, she perfectly content. I'm grateful I got an extra hour with her tonight, and had no idea children could be so fun at such a young age. That hug and kiss made my entire day worth it.

Lately, I've made a very conscious effort to give Gracie my full attention each day. It's easy to get caught up in the demands of life and find the day has ended with far too little attention given to that which matters most. I'm learning to choose my battles and focus my priorities, which often means I go to bed happily exhausted with a less-than-perfect home. Well worth the trade.

TODAY'S FOCUS: The demands of life tug at us from every angle, and the need to prioritize is an absolute necessity. Superfluous fillers deceive us, while hours and days are spent doing second things first and leaving us unfulfilled. Choose fulfillment, because success without fulfillment is failure.

I used to think we could have our cake and eat it too, but I'm learning we're not meant to have the best of all worlds. We were meant, however, to determine our passions, manage our desires, and focus on that which is most important - often requiring sacrifice of the good in exchange for the great. There are only so many hours in a day, and so many things we can do, and still do well. Prioritizing is a moment-to-moment necessity, so that which we value most is revealed through the actions we choose in those moments.

QUOTE: "Success is only another form of failure if we forget what our priorities should be." -Harry Lloyd

Day 68: The fleeting success of shortcuts

Sunday dinners with Stellar-Steve always provide great conversation, and tonight the topic was a healthy relationship.

I forgot the patience required with a budding love. It seems time is a necessary evil as emotions unfold and a foundation is built - while moral purity is the requirement to ensure clear vision, free from unnecessary confusion and premature emotions. Despite what society would have us believe, the path of ease leads to pseudo love, while that of patience and discipline leads to an abiding, healthy relationship. There are simply no shortcuts.

TODAY'S FOCUS: There are no shortcuts on any path worth traveling. How could there be? It goes against all the laws of the universe. All things in nature require time and order to reach their full measure of creation and, likewise, so do the most beautiful things in life.

There's no quick fix to a healthy body, no easy road to lasting wealth, and no shortcut to a happy marriage. It's apparent that anything worth having comes at a price, and the greater the price the greater the reward. What may appear as shortcuts along the way are, in fact, dead-ends leading to mediocrity, robbing you of the foundation you could have built. Though a shortcut may appear to work, eventually the transient foundation will crumble, leaving you discontent and unfulfilled.

QUOTE: "Too often the shortcut, the line of least resistance, is responsible for evanescent and unsatisfactory success." -Louis Binstock

Day 67: Look ahead and press to your new target

Today I ran. Far. Twelve miles, to be exact. No, not for fun! I'm training for a marathon, so long runs have become a necessary evil. I'm always inspired by the lessons gleaned while pursuing that which requires discipline. Whether it be learning the violin or throwing a football, perfecting a pirouette or mastering guitar hero (omit that), there are lessons to learn and analogies to draw from. That's one reason I love running.

The run was long, and I had several moments where I was tempted to stop altogether, feeling I could not take another step. In an effort to give one last push I would focus on a target ahead and resolve to run until I reached it, as I do on every run. As I hit my goal I would repeat the process, and repeat it again, until my desire to quit was overcome.

I must admit, today's workout took longer than I would have liked, and I couldn't help but think of "better" things I could be doing with my time. I had to remind myself, over and over, that great things take time and patience - so that's exactly what I gave. As I ignored the looming finish-line and, instead, focused on the mile in front of me, I found increased confidence, hope and, before I knew it, had finished my twelve miles. Literally, one step at a time.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Though we should look ahead, trying to look further than we can see produces discouragement - nourishing an inflated, intimidating and distorted view of our desired outcome. The trick is setting a goal, then reaching milestones along the way to achieving it. Then, when we think we can't take another step, choose the smallest of targets and hit it, then do it again.

Whether the goal is 1 mile or 26.1, taking one step at a time is a sure way to build "endurance" and spur one onward.

QUOTE: "The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." -Mark Twain

Day 65: Growing pains

I'm going to bed physically and emotionally exhausted, yet completley satisfied! Today I faced my fears, head-on, and emerged victorious.

My x-husband was always humored by my self-assured attitude and over-confident determination. We'd be doing a little window shopping and I'd see a beautiful painting, then boldly state, "I could paint that." (Never mind the fact that I'd never picked up a paint brush in my life). We'd walk past a modern water-fountain or an artistic sink and I'd insist, "I could make that." If I saw a project of interest, I'd google it, read and research, then begin the task, admittedly leaving it half-finished while my attention was diverted to the next project. The truth is, I talk a big game, but it's not often I put myself out there and actually prove I can do what I think I can do. It's kinda scary, really. But today, I did.

A few months ago I was at a jewelry party when I thought to myself, "What a great way to make new girlfriends! I'd could do that. I'd be great at that." I decided that this was one time I was going to prove myself - perhaps more as an experiment than anything. Today was my first effort to do just that.

Have you ever approached something, dragging your feet the entire time, and knowing deep down that you were gonna quit before you even start? That was me. The task was dreaded, the anxiety overwhelming and my fear tangible. I almost gave up, and nearly called the whole thing off. Looking back, now, I feel so silly. It was much smaller than I had made it up to be, and my fears were completley unvalidated. Today I was courageous, humbled and fulfilled. Courageous because I faced my fears, humbled because I realized how fearful I was, and fulfilled because I overcame.

TODAY'S FOCUS: From the movie Shenandoah come the spoken words which inspire, “If we don’t try, we don’t do; and if we don’t do, then why are we here?” Growth occurs when we do things that stretch us, push us, and take us to the edge of uncomfortable. It's not a great place to be, but it's a wonderful place to look back on.

Truly, we don't know our limits until we muster the strength to face them, then as we experience success, a new door opens and the pattern continues, revealing doors we never knew existed. Until then, the adage holds true, "Fake it 'till you make it." Oft times, the most we can do is stand stand tall, and hope our shadow covers our fear.

QUOTE: "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." - Ambrose Redmoon

Day 66: To magnify happiness - share it

Tonight I caught a glimpse of the little girl inside my baby, and was left in absolute awe. She is growing so quickly, and the joy she brings me is incommunicable. We just got back from the fair, where we spent a great night with friends and she enjoyed her first ride ever - cars. As I sat her down, she immediately latched to the steering wheel and looked up in pride, smiling while showing off her mad steering skills. The ride began and I would cheer and clap each time she'd pass, then watch her face light up and follow me as far as her little neck could rotate. Her smile was priceless and her excitement in finding me with each rotation left tears in my eyes. My heart took a picture, and I thought to myself, "I will never forget this moment," followed immediately by, "I only wish Stellar-Steve were here to share it."

I had a wonderful time with my friends, but there's something to be said about sharing life's greatest moments with someone you love.

TODAY'S FOCUS: We need each-other. We need friendship. We need love. God never intended for man to be alone and, it seems, we've been given one another to amplify our happiness and consummate our joy.

In sharing life with another, good is magnified into great, and joy is transformed into exuberance. We find solace in moments of sorrow and synergy in moments of happiness. All things are better with love... and that, alone, makes love worth the risk. Not just any love or any risk, but a worthy love and righteous risk.

QUOTE: “Happiness is like a kiss... you must share it to enjoy it." -Bernard Meltzer

Day 64: Our decisions define us

Tonight I had a plan. Karate at 6:00, grocery shopping at 7:30 and a social gathering at 9:00. What I planned and what I did were two very different things. You guessed it... I couldn't go more than two days without seeing Stellar-Steve.

We were talking as he drove home from work, when my constant lamenting finally broke him. He spontaneously turned around and the journey to my home began. I was ecstatic, yet fought an inner battle, calling him every five minutes in an effort to convince myself that he shouldn't come over. He would get on the off-ramp to turn around and, at the last moment, I would retract my words and plead for his arrival. We'd laugh, hang up the phone and repeat the pattern five minutes later. I think he drove through every off-ramp along the way, when I realized he was only minutes from my home. I called in one last effort to honor my commitment. "Where are you?" I asked, both excited and panicked. "A mile away. But I can turn around. Just tell me to turn around and I will." I held my breath and pulled every think-cord taut. (Yes, think-cord. It's a very technical term). I was too late. His car appeared around the corner and my washy resolve was replaced with utter beatification. He threw his car into park, a very sloppy parking job, and his stalwart charge was met by my unrestrained skip. How did I ever expect to go a week without him?

The evening was spent with friends at a lake and, afterward, we enjoyed a late-night burger in the warm summer night. A lake has never looked so beautiful and a burger never tasted so good.

Stellar-Steve was sharing a conversion he had with his boss concerning decisions, and how they serve as the final form of communication. This got me thinking.... I'm disappointed I didn't keep my personal commitment, but my decision tonight was a clear indicator of where my heart stands. My new approach? Simply spend less time with Stellar-Steve, as going without him is unrealistic. As hard as it may be... two or three days a week will have to suffice. Same outcome, better approach.

TODAY'S FOCUS: The old cliche holds true..."Actions speak louder than words." Our decisions, good or bad, are the fruits of our thoughts, a sonogram of the heart and the ultimate instrument of communication. We can talk big, make plans and set goals all day long, but it's the decisions we make that prove our intentions. It's not our words that define us, but our actions.

QUOTE: "Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold - but so does a hard-boiled egg." -Anonymous

Day 63: Experience renewal by inviting adventure

Tonight's run was simply awe-inspiring. I've ran the same path for over a year, and for over a year I've appreciated the beauty it offers. It intertwines with the golf-course and winds along a tree-lined street, the center of which is covered with lush landscaping. I run over bridges and past several man-made streams and lakes... but today I decided to run along the lake, instead of past it. There's a sign at the entrance, informing the public that only owners and their employees are allowed on the path. After a year of adhering to it, my curiosity finally got the best of me. I took a new path. (rebellious, I know)

I'm baffled at the intensified beauty only three minutes off my usual path, and had no idea such a serene scene could be found so near my home. Frankly, I feel robbed to have just discovered it now. Ducks meandered near the sidewalk while butterflies frolicked among the breath-taking landscape. The sun cast an artistic sheen off the water and bathed the hills behind it in hazy golden shadows. If I didn't have my daughter with me I would've sat down to savor the scene. It was truly right out of the movies... and there all along! Who knew?

TODAY'S FOCUS: Break the chain of routine by doing something adventurous. Whether it's big or small.... every creative action leads to self-discovery, and self-discovery promotes fulfillment. Take the scenic route to work, order something new at your favorite restaurant, experience sky-diving or simply smile at the next person to cut you off in traffic. (I'm not sure which requires more courage, skydiving or being cheerful in traffic). Live with your eyes wide open and practice the art of adventure on a regular basis, because security leads to stagnation.

QUOTE: "It is in the compelling zest of high adventure... and in creative action, that man finds his supreme joys." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Day 62: Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it.

My little Gracie just went to bed... or so I think. I give her 10 minutes before she's ready to play. Call me a bad momma, but tonight that's just not gonna happen. (I'd better type fast).

Today has not been one of my finer days, to say the least. Though I was a great mother, it seems everything else was thrown into complete mayhem. Gracie's room was hit by a small tornado and officially shares the acrid smell of the nearby landfill. (Mental note to self: air it out tomorrow). I'm in awe at the day's damage, made manifest in every room of the house. (There she goes, throwing her bottle on the floor. I have 3 minutes before she starts crying. Type faster). As I sit here typing, two reese's cups wait patiently at my side, begging my attention. Insidious little guys. I must resist.

I'll cut this pity-party short, but trust me when I say the day has been long. In this moment I feel defeated, but I stubbornly refuse to let one bad day spoil an incredible month. I'm going to bed, trusting that tomorrow will be better. (If this is what I can expect every day without Stellar-Steve, then it's gonna be an awfully long week)!

TODAY'S FOCUS: As the proverb goes, "Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it." Regardless of what a bad day might bring, if you can look to tomorrow with hope, then you're not defeated at all. Resist the urge to surrender to a bitter moment, and trust that tomorrow you'll emerge stronger for enduring it.

QUOTE: "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.” -Helen Keller

Day 61: A healthy body cultivates a healthy mind

It's official: I feel like garbage. I've neglected my health these past few weeks, and it's starting to catch up to me. My energy is depleted and the lack of sleep has left me with excruciating muscle-tension and incessant headaches. (And I wonder why I'm so irritable). Speaking of irritable... my clothes have gotten tighter. That's irritating. Surely it can't be from the unremitting social-eating I've indulged in. Nope. Must be the dryer.

It's time to refocus and return to the Natalie that exercises hard, eats healthy and sleeps long. Ok... maybe not long, but going to bed before midnight would be a welcomed change. I need to resume my good habits and catch-up on that which I've put off - starting with my health. I'm the type that will postpone responsibilities just to spend one more minute with the one I love. I did it in marriage, and I'm doing it in dating. I'm not proud of this habit, and it's one I need to break, hence, I'm taking an entire week away from Stellar-Steve. Don't get me wrong, he's great for me, but I know my faults and need to learn how to continue life even while falling in love. Drastic? Perhaps, but that's how I roll. (I'm hoping he'll benefit from the "time-off" as well). Tomorrow will be the first day in over a month that we've gone without seeing each-other. Woe is me.

I keep reminding myself that a little discipline never hurt anyone and, though my heart might ache, my mind and body will thank me. So will my skinny-jeans. Wish me luck.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Treat your body with respect, for it truly is the temple that houses your spirit. There is an undeniable link between physical health and spiritual development, hence when we impair our physical health by foolish choices, our spirit suffers as well. Optimal living demands optimal health, so take control of your body and start enjoying the benefits now, one day at a time.

QUOTE: "To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." -Buddha

Day 59: To overcome the humdrum...

Tonight I went country dancing with some girlfriends. I haven't danced in nearly 9 years, and almost forgot how fun it is. I had a great time, laughed much and even made some new friends. Though I longed to be with Stellar-Steve, I convinced myself that time with the ladies was healthy and exactly what I needed. I was right.

I often ask myself, "What could I have done differently in my marriage?" Whether it would or wouldn't have changed outcome... the question has provided an enlightening journey of self-discovery. One answer, is that I would've had closer girlfriends and been more highly involved in my own interests. Since my divorce I've focused on doing just that and, though it has required a conscious effort and stepping out of my comfort zone, it has proven rewarding.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Pursue a new interest. Take up quilting, join a softball league or learn a foreign language. There is strength in being your own person, having your own interests and getting involved in your own hobbies. It certainly takes effort, but keeps life fresh and interesting, helping you avoid the trap of the every day humdrum. Not only will you experience fulfillment, but you'll become more interesting... and everybody is drawn to an interesting person. Simple as that. Interesting.

QUOTE: "Today is life - the only life you are sure of. Make the most of today. Get interested in something. Shake yourself awake. Develop a hobby. Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep through you. Live today with gusto." -Dale Carnegie

Day 57: Each gift is a gift. Use it.

I just got back from meeting with the youth group, where we reviewed a skit I wrote for this year's girl's camp. It was a hit, and the girls seemed to love it, lifting a huge burden from my shoulders. Amusing teenagers is always a feat so, when accomplished, it's pretty gratifying. You could say I have a gift... but then again... I couldn't have written it without the help of my little sister and Stellar-Steve, so perhaps I don't have a gift after-all. lol (I can't argue, however, that Steve does! Who knew that I was dating such a creative writer?!) Regardless, I'm just happy it's off my mind and received well.

Shortly after my divorce I spent weeks pondering my gifts and talents, mulling over what direction to take life and how to incorporate them. I still don't have any answers. lol. It was an interesting experience, and I've become fairly aware of the gifts I have and those I would like to develop. One thing's apparent, I'm Jack of many trades, master of none. Perhaps someday...

TODAY'S FOCUS: Discerning our personal gifts is essential if we are to experience harmony in our lives. Recognize the talents you have been blessed with, then use those talents in the most fulfilling way you can envision. They are a part of you, and to deny them is to deny what makes you... you.

QUOTE: "When we talk about being true to ourselves, being the person we are intended to be, we are talking about gifts. We can not be ourselves unless we are true to our gifts." -Elizabeth o'Conner

Day 56: Common vision produces uncommon results

During our run tonight, Stellar-Steve said, "I love running with you because you push me and make me better." I smiled inside as I thought to myself, "I push you? I wouldn't even be running today if it weren't for you, so who's really helping who?"

This is the very pattern that has left me in awe. In dating him, I constantly feel I got the better end of the deal, only to discover that he feels the same way about me. I'm stupefied at his admiration of me, which is so inflated I fear there's no way I won't fail him. Turns out he feels the same way, regarding my admiration of him. Despite these concerns, I'm intrigued how over the last few weeks our "human" sides have been revealed, yet our admiration of one-another has only grown deeper. Our mutual goals unite the desires of our heart and produce joint efforts toward our shared vision. I guess this is what it feels like to be equally yoked. Now that I know, I will never go back.

TODAY'S FOCUS: To be "unequally yoked" is a term used in the bible, referring to the wooden beam linked at the neck of two oxen, or horses. If they were “unequally yoked” or unbalanced, they could not work well as a team, as one would pull most of the weight himself, and the other lag behind, resulting in a sore neck. In being equally yoked, or balanced, the load was shared and each did their individual part, producing the most efficient results.

Take a moment to consider one area in which you may unequally yoked, due to your own falling behind, with a spouse, family member, friend or co-worker. Take today to focus on improving, then try again tomorrow. When equally yoked, those with common vision are sure to produce uncommon results, and the ordinary is transformed into the extraordinary.

QUOTE: "Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success." -Henry Ford

Day 54: No Risk = No reward

It's 1o:36 pm, and Stellar-Steve just left my home. I'm intrigued by our budding relationship, as it's unlike any I've ever experienced. He holds an incredibly high respect for me, and cherishes me in a way I've never known. I savor his munificence, and adore our time together.

Tonight we enjoyed Sunday dinner, a beautiful evening amble through my neighborhood, and a movie after my daughter was in bed. (Have I mentioned he does the dishes? Every night. That's right, ladies). It was the perfect end to my week, spending time with both he and Gracie. What more could I want?

As wonderful as this may be, I must admit... I'd like to know where it's heading, and how it's going to end up. I'd like to see the end from the beginning, so I can move forward without fear. That, however, eliminates the need for faith, and that is simply not the way life works. I alternate between faith and fear, but tonight I chose faith - determined to simply enjoy the gift before me and trust that it goes exactly where it's supposed to go. Sure, I'm still scared of getting hurt, but some things are worth taking a risk for.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Rewards are given to those who are willing to take risks. If the reward is big enough, the risk is worth taking, even if it ends in failure. After all, it's better to know and be disappointed then to not know and always wonder.

QUOTE: "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." -Win Borden

Day 52: Pick yourself up, because temporary pain can lead to long-lasting gain

What an interesting day (for lack of better words). I was talking to a friend this morning, when she said, "Have you seen pictures of your x's baby? They had it last week." Whaaaaat?! Last week? Though I never knew the due date, I had hoped it would be later.

My gut-wrenching hindsight stole my appetite and invited tears. I took a hot, very hot, bubble bath. Come to think of it, that was the first bath I've had since my divorce. As I soaked in melancholy I listened to Michael Buble, feeling lethargic and apathetic. After a few minutes, "That's Life" came on. I heard myself laughing over the appropriate lyrics, and allowed the weight to lift from my shoulders as I smiled, took a deep breath, and enjoyed the heat surrounding me.

"That's life. That's what all the people say. You're riding high in April, you're shot down in May. I know I'm gonna change that tune when I'm back on top in June. ...I've been up and down and over and out but I know one thing. Each time I find myself, flat on this face, I pick myself up and get back in the race."

TODAY'S FOCUS: Despite inner efforts toward healing, outer events are guaranteed to take place and throw a wrench in the works, acting as pot-holes and speed bumps along the way. Expect a few of these, and trust that as you come upon them (or rather as they come upon you) you will respond appropriately, whether that means confronting the problem head on, laughing it off, or climbing into hot bubble-bath where it can melt away.

Life consists of highs and lows, so when you find yourself in a low... pick yourself up and get back in the race. A high is sure to be around the corner.

QUOTE: "Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quite, however, it lasts forever." -Lance Armstrong

Day 51: Forget what fell behind and focus on what lies ahead

Today my x-husband picked up our daughter and, for a brief moment, I missed the comfort and ease of the relationship we had established over our years together. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with the fact that I have to start over, and caught a glimpse as to why so many people go back to their x. It's the familiar, comfortable thing to do. Fortunately, I understand that the path of comfort rarely gets anyone anywhere.

As past hurt swept over me, I knelt to pray for comfort and, in no less than one minute, the phone rang. It was my mom. Ten seconds later it beeped, and there was Stellar-Steve. Impressive! Only seconds behind a mother's intuition. I let my mom off the hook (no pun intended) and switched over to Steve. He listened lovingly and said all the right words, ensuring the conversation ended with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.

Though I've lost what was once familiar, I'm enjoying this foreign journey and all the growth that has come with it; a generous trade-off to say the least.

TODAY'S FOCUS: In focusing on what we've lost, we rob ourselves of this moment's opportunity to gain. Look ahead and press forward with confidence, because pining over the past is detrimental to growth, healing and happiness. Learn from experience and then use that knowledge in the here and now, trusting that it will lead you to the beautiful future awaiting. The road ahead may be uncertain, but in refusing to travel it, the road behind was taken in vain.

QUOTE: "What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now." -Anonymous

Day 50: Great haste makes great waste

Despite today's beautiful weather, leaving the house was the last thing I wanted to do. I simply felt too busy, and found myself inside working hard to get "important" things done, when Stellar-Steve called. An hour later, Gracie and I were in Salt Lake, with new-found energy, meeting him for lunch. Afterward we walked around Temple Square, or rather chased Gracie around temple square. It was so entertaining to watch her pick up her little knees like a trotting pony, as she ran giggling from one flower to the next, always looking back to ensure I was following after her.

I'm so grateful Steve took the time to meet us for lunch, as it not only got me out of the house, but also produced a tender memory. The weather was ideal, the environment comforting and the company nonpareil. To slow down and watch Gracie run and explore touched my heart, and sharing those moments with Steve only compounded my joy and certainly created an afternoon to remember, in all it's perfection.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Don't let a beautiful day pass you by. Slow down (or get going) and enjoy the sun! Even if the most you can do is sit on your porch or walk to the mailbox, take a few minutes to enjoy the sun and admire the beauty of the Earth. Chances are you'll be invegorated and find energy that was nonexistent only minutes prior.

QUOTE: "Take time for all things; great haste makes great waste." -Benjamin Franklin

Day 49: The reward of postive approach

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm pretty sure I've eaten 8000 calories a day, the last 3 days. Sounds healthy, right? This morning I woke up, gave myself the "we're-gonna-eat-healthy" pep talk, and five minutes later finished breakfast, consisting of smiley-faced gummies, french-silk pie and handfuls of shredded coconut with butterscotch chips. Next I meandered into my basement and ransacked my treat drawer, eating enough startbursts and rolos to make even Kirstie Alley ashamed (bless her heart). I opened my pantry and devoured the unsuspecting goldfish and animal crackers. They didn't stand a chance. I knew, even as I was eating, that I was gonna hate myself if I didn't go running, so I put on my gear and reluctantly headed out the door.

I usually enjoy my run, but today that was far from the case. Instead of relishing in the positive energy I usually feel, I was consumed with guilt and negativity, my motivation to run derived from self-punishment. It was the longest, most unrewarding five miles I've ever experienced. During it, Stellar-Steve sent me a text, suggesting we go on a run after work. "Sure," I thought. "I could use the extra exercise."

Through-out the day my mood lifted, and as I completed my evening run with Steve I was surprised to find myself happy, rejuvenated and full of self-love - a far cry from this morning's experience.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Interesting how the exact same task can leave us unfulfilled or completley satisfied, depending on our approach to it. Our motivation might be to avoid pain or to produce pleasure, but in either case, the doing needs done so you might as well focus on the reward and press forward, because positive thinking will always produce better results than the alternative.

QUOTE: “There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." -W. Clement Stone

Day 48: Responsibility: The Ability to respond

I've had a long day, full of good and bad. In an effort to control of my mood, I was reading funny quotes when a friend called to ask a favor. "It's been awhile! How are you?" I asked, surprised to hear from her. "Divorced, but other than that I'm good." My heart dropped and tears welled up, as the tone in her voice clearly trivialized her broken marriage.

I hung up the phone, discouraged, when it rang in my hand. It was Stellar-Steve. I wanted to be positive... but I just couldn't. After a few minutes of talking he said, "Sounds like you could use an almond joy." Right then my doorbell rang and there he stood, smiling, with an almond joy in his hand. He had driven an hour just to give me a candy bar (ok he also might have wanted to see me). His timing was impeccable, and as I threw my arms around his neck I couldn't help but cry. I'm sure it's not the welcome he'd hoped for, nevertheless, he showed selfless empathy, and his presence provided comfort in my exact moment of need. What a perfect surprise.

I have had three friends divorce since mine, and every time it hits a little too close to home. Seeing the deceit so many fall into leaves me heartbroken and riled up. I was having one of these moments when I realized I was destroying a great memory-in-progress by letting my sorrow consume me, when I could have been relishing in Steve's surprise visit. I admitted I was helping no-one, reluctantly let go of my anguish, gathered my composure and chose to let go of all frustrations. Once I was in control of my re-action, I was able to savor the moment and create a memory that ended my day beautifully.

TODAY'S FOCUS: We can not control the actions of another but, ironically, when we re-act in a negative way to their choices, we allow them to control us. Monitor your reactions, take responsibility for your ability to respond, then make changes accordingly. As we improve our reactions, we improve our present moment... and as we improve our present moment we create a past we can look back on with a smile.

QUOTE: "You must take responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of." -Jim Rohn

Day 47: Gratitude and growth through trials

My heart is full. I echo the words I heard in church today... "I am grateful for my trials." I have mulled over these thoughts for months, but sharing them has never felt quite right. It's hard to find words that convey gratitude and forgiveness without sounding self-righteous and indifferent. I hope to express the prior. It would be malapropos to thank my x-husband, yet I feel a strange appreciation for my divorce, as it has made me a better person and opened opportunity that would have never come otherwise. My greatest trial has become my greatest blessing.

Today I realized I have been divorced for seven months, almost to the day. Looking back, it has gone by fast, but at the time there were months that seemed would never end and days I feared would last forever. The first two months were spent recuperating from shock, as I had gone from happily married (or so I thought) to divorced in less than six weeks. I was flung onto an unknown road I never fathomed I'd have to travel. January was the longest, loneliest month of all. I remember telling myself daily, "If I can just get through today, tomorrow will arrive, and if I can just do that 28 (22, 17, 6, 3) more times, February will finally be here." February arrived, and with it, greater hope. As the months passed, each has brought certain growth and gradual healing. Now, here I sit, baffled over how quickly June is passing. Finally. Clocks have sped up again.

I have gleaned invaluable strength and life-changing knowledge which was foreign just seven short months ago. The opportunity in my trial is apparent, and I've learned things I never knew I never knew. My bitterness is subsiding, as the beauty of my circumstance continues to unfold. I am grateful. I am blessed.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Trials are a sign of life, and no-one passes through unscathed. Storms will arise, but it's the very rain from those which will encourage dormant seeds to bloom.

In 2005 California experience tremendous rains, producing landslides and wreaking havoc. This same rain generated the largest wildflower bloom in living memory over Death Valley. Seeds that had lied dormant for hundreds of years bloomed into over 50 varieties of wildflowers, and the valley was covered in waves of gold, purple and white, while a large lake formed in the basin at Badwater - the lowest point in North America. It was a phenomenon unlike any in recorded history.
What may appear ugly, bleak and hopeless can be transformed into an awe-inspiring scene, if we allow the rain in our lives to produce blooms. Find the opportunity in your trial and capitalize on it, through which you'll discover a beauty that you never knew you had. Rain of life is guaranteed, but blooming of dormant seeds is up to us.

QUOTE: "Out of the refiner’s fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted." -James E. Faust

Day 46: Breathe. Live. Now... because project management is not an option.

Another brilliant day with Stellar-Steve! It began with an afternoon hike to "Waterfall," followed by dinner and frozen yogurt with a couple of our friends, and ended with a late-night run along a quiet street under the stars. (Who knew a run could be so romantic)?

I am clearly smitten with him, yet fears of the future beg my attention, and I cannot feign complete trust (through no fault of his own). Naturally, our conversations often revolve around my fears-of-this and what-if's-that, today being no exception. As we discussed the direction of our relationship I began "the big speech" with my usual, "In 3 months when... Maybe 30 days from now... Come December I'll..." Steve got a little smile. "What?" I asked. "Natalie, you can't project manage life. You can set all the time-lines you want, but life is happening regardless. Right now. Life is happening and you're in it." How very true! Perhaps it's time to release my anxieties and allow "now" to pour over me - for now only happens once.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Life is NOW, so honor the present moment by living today... today. Enjoy the present, forgive the past and trust in the future. Living in the present, however, is not always easy and requires the release of fear and surrender of control... or at least what we perceive to be control.

We imagine we can control an outcome by performing "x" which, in our compartmentalized mind, will result in "y" and ultimately lead to "z." This is great thinking for logical goals, but when it comes to emotion-based experiences we have little control, and goals (my goals at-least) act more like a defense mechanism than a true attempt to propel forward in growth. In any case, planning as a means to avoid pain and suffering only creates a back-door entrance for anxiety, robbing us of the present moment.

There is freedom in simply taking a deep breath, releasing fears and expectations and rolling with the punches, trusting that "x-y-z" will unfold exactly as it's supposed to. Besides, if we could always plan and execute "x-y-z," imagine how stale and boring life would become.

QUOTE: "As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out the present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care, and love - even the most simple action." -Eckhart Tolle (Author of "The Power of Now.")

Day 45: Earning Self-Confidence

Today was my non-fabulous day. (Great name, eh? I stole it from a friend). You know... the day I catch up on life and give my attention to non-fabulous things like laundry, cleaning my fridge, paying bills, making phone calls and running errands. These ugly chores were the last thing I wanted to do... which was my very reason to do them. As I was completing my daily run (which I also didn't want to do) I was reminded of how great it feels to push through lazy tendencies and, instead, find discipline to meet the expectations I have of myself. This spurred me on to continue this pattern when I got home, and I ended my day on a high and productive note - a most rewarding experience.

Oh, the sense of accomplishment achieved in tackling something you don't want to do. I seem to breathe a little deeper, stand a little taller and focus a little sharper on where I'm going, who I am and what I want.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Nothing builds self-confidence quite like accomplishment. Self-esteem is earned, and not the result of validation from those around your or the love you receive from another. It's derived from being your best self and knowing that you're giving life your all - especially in those moments when it's the last thing you want to do.

QUOTE: "In my day, we didn't have self-esteem, we had self-respect, and no more of it than we had earned." -Jane Haddam

Day 44: Procrastination: A favorite form of self-sabotage

4am is finally catching up to me. It's not that I want to stay up 'till 4... it's just that my mind won't let me sleep. Last night was one of those nights, so today I decided I would do next-to-nothing and just enjoy some "time off" of life. I don't know why I thought that would be a good idea.

I found myself lying in bed all day, trying to catch up on my blog while eating chocolate chips and starbursts. Sounds fulfilling, I know. lol. (ironic, that is exactly what I'm doing this moment). Naturally I felt like crap, decided to call my day a wash and go to bed early for once in my life - and by early I mean 6pm. I was SO tired and had no motivation to do anything. Just then Stellar-Steve called and asked what I was doing. "Nothing. Laying in bed. You?" "Just heading out the door for my run." he replied. "I should go running." I said, somewhat defeated. "You should! Do it. Hurry and get ready, we'll run at the same time." I laughed, but his enthusiasm sparked something in me and two minutes later I found myself in running clothes, stupefied over his great influence. I'll admit, I didn't find the ambition to do my usual 5 miles... but 4 was good enough. lol (is it weird that I always "lol" on my blog? .... hu.) I got home and went right to work cleaning my house while listening to an audiobook. I even mopped. :)

I got so much done tonight - all things I was procrastinating and planned on doing tomorrow. My burden is now lighter, thanks to the motivation my Steve sparked. It's both refreshing and eye-opening to be with someone who lifts me in every facet of life. I am blessed.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Never put off until tomorrow what can be done today. Ok, I'm the first to admit I don't practice what I preach here, but I can certainly attest to the draining affects and heavy toll procrastination can take on your life. It's been described as many things: "thief of time, opportunity's natural assassin, and favorite form of self-sabotage," but no matter how you look at it, putting off today's duties until tomorrow only doubles our burden to bear, and that burden can get pretty weighty pretty quick. The best way to get something done is to begin... and if you have a friend that motivates you to begin... even better!

QUOTE: "To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing." -Eva Young

Day 43: Growth IS optional, change is not.

Today was wonderful! I was lucky enough to get my daughter for a few extra hours... so we played, laughed and went on a few walks to enjoy the sun. Her little personality is coming out, and watching her grow leaves me in awe. After her father picked her up I went to lunch with a couple girlfriends. Of-course, Stellar-Steve was the topic of conversation and they insisted on all the details. As the conversation came to a close my friend said, "Nat, I notice a difference in you. You've grown these last 10 days. You're stronger." Interesting... Steve said the same thing to me last night. Indeed, I have grown. I guess that's what happens when you welcome change, rather than run from it.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Embrace change. Face your fears and challenge your doubts. We don't grow by coasting through in life, rather by making the most of every problem and opportunity that comes our way.

QUOTE: “If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living." -Gail Sheehy

Day 41: BE the right person

A day away from Stellar-Steve? I think not. (Are you sensing a pattern)? Today we spent some time at the shooting range, went to lunch, relaxed for a couple hours, then ran a few miles together. I'm so comfortable with him, and feel myself changing; trusting. He emits a quiet confidence and strength, which envelopes me with a sense of peace and protection. He's a good man. A great man. The decisions he's made throughout his life attest to it.


I didn't expect this. Not now. Not so soon. I had a 90-day plan. Heck, I had a 1 year plan! I wasn't even ready to date, yet alone share my heart - yet this is happening too naturally to deny. I've discovered a happiness and strength within that was nonexistent just two weeks ago. It's not a false strength found by leaning on him, rather a strength that stirs me to inner-excellence because I'm aware of his greatness, and long to be equally yoked.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Perhaps healing isn't always about the right circumstance or the right timing, rather the right support... the right person. Healing is not a destination, it's a journey, and along the way great people will enter, but the best seem to arrive when we're striving to be our best. By that point it's no-longer about someone who completes you, rather someone who compliments you.

"You complete me" (albeit romantic), lends to the idea that one is relying on another to compensate where they lack, which is necessary to some degree but too often taken advantage of. To "compliment," on the other hand, consists of cooperation and collaboration, in the manner which fine wine is paired with a beautiful meal. Though both may be complete and wonderful alone (I hear), when properly paired, each is magnified in greatness.

QUOTE: "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Day 40: The best is connected with the unexpected

I spent the majority of today driving home. Actually, Stellar-Steve did all the driving. I took a much needed nap, while he sweetly accommodated my variable temperature complaints without a moment's hesitation. We enjoyed good conversation, great laughs and singing at the tops of our lungs. (He can sing)! Great to travel with? Check.

As we were recapping our weekend, we both found it interesting that Saturday was anticipated to be the "big" day of the trip, yet the spontaneity of Friday led to the highlight of our weekend, and became the day we'll never forget.

TODAY'S FOCUS: It's interesting how what you don't plan can be the very thing that turns out best in life. How does that happen? I think it's all about being on the best path, striving to do the best things, and surrounding yourself with the best people - then letting go and enjoying the present moment to your best, while the best finds you.

QUOTE: "The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations." -Eli Khamarov

Day 39: Don't just endure... enjoy

Day 2 in Vegas. Yes, yes - I know it's crazy that I've even come to Vegas with Stellar-Steve... but it's Memorial Day weekend.. how could I resist? He has the weekend off, I'm without my daughter, and we both thought it would make for some fun memories. We were right. (No worries, all has been kept respectful and pure. Don't pretend you weren't wondering).

Tonight we saw Phantom of the Oprah, which was the main reason we even came down here. I've never seen it, so Steve surprised me with tickets. IN. Credible. That's all I have to say. I think I have a new favorite song... "All I Ask Of You". Sobs. SOBS. (By "sobs" I mean many tears, not to be confused with S.O.B.'s). Google the lyrics. It captures my emotions perfectly.

I'm so glad I decided to come to Vegas! I kept trying to find reasons to talk myself out of it... then it hit me: Why shouldn't I go? I DESERVE to go. Last week a friend told me, "Enjoy life. You've been through a lot these last six months. Now take some time to enjoy life." That's exactly what I'm doing.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Enjoy life. This is not to say be stupid and careless, rather step outside of the victim role, let go of any self-pity or martyrdom and enjoy what life has to offer. Find a healthy balance between work and play, then go for it, reminding yourself that you're worth it. We each deserve to enjoy life - but whether or not we do is up to us.

QUOTE: "Life is not meant to be endured, but enjoyed." -Hubert H. Humphrey

Day 38: 4 minutes, 6 seconds. Putting it all on the table.

My feelings tonight are incommunicable. My heart is blessedly happy, and I blame Stellar-Steve. Tonight will forever be burned in my mind, the imprint of which will never cease to bring a smile to my face. (Wow, that's some mushy stuff).

Yesterday Stellar-Steve and I made a last-minute decision to go to Vegas. Today we enjoyed, yes enjoyed, the long drive together and, upon arrival, immediately spent some R&R at the pool. We swam, laughed, played and cuddled. To hold and adore the man I so greatly admire left me elated. It was complete satisfaction. Later, we took a long walk down the strip, holding hands, content to simply be together. It was most interesting to experience edification, even amidst the surrounding environment of the strip.

We eventually decided on a little place to eat, grabbed a few bites, then went to the Bellagio in anticipation of the next fountain show. It began, booming powerfully, "Time to say goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli. I was touched, this being one of my favorite songs, and as we held each-other I was consumed by the music and moved to tears. (I'm a boob like that). In that 4 minutes and 6 seconds, an unforgettable moment was created. A moment in which I decided I was ready. Ready to trust again. Ready to share my heart. Ready to reciprocate what Stellar-Steve has so generously given me. Another turning point in my healing. Am I still scared? Of course. Do I have doubts? Naturally. But I'm choosing to push past those and cling tenaciously to what feels right. This. Feels right.

On the way back we indulged one spin at Roulette. Steve was about to put down $100. "How about $50?" I said. "Ok. $50." "Wait... $25." He smiled, "You can't win with what you don't have on the table." He laid down $50, told me to call it (black), and seconds later walked away with $100 in his pocket. I only wish I could've captured the looks of those faces at the table as we walked away celebrating - all of whom were obviously on a loosing streak. What can I say? I'm a lucky charm! We were giddy at the great fortune we had experienced all night. From the minute to the grand... this is a night I will never forget.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Stellar-Steve said it best... You can't win with that you don't have on the table.

QUOTE: "The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live." -Leo F. Buscaglia

Day 37: The need to need

Life is funny. One second I'm on top of the world and the next second I'm consumed with discouragement, as my faults thrash at my confidence, reminding me how far I have to go to become the woman I'd like to be. Today was one of those days. I attribute it to over-thinking, spending too much time picking apart the negative details and over-analyzing my weaknesses. It's an easy trap to fall into.

All day I was looking forward to being with Stellar-Steve, but when he finally arrived I was in an overt mood of despondency. This was reflected in my lack of enthusiasm at his arrival, but rather than showing disappointment in his missed expectations, he went right to work to understand and console me, assuaging my disheartened condition. In mere moments I found immense comfort, and the grief and worries of my day began to subside, settling quietly in the background.

I was left with a full heart, grateful for the amazing friend I have in him, and astonished at the impact he's had on me. It's humbling to feel the love and influence of great people in my life. I am blessed.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Allow, invite, and embrace great people into your life: People who lift you when you're down, carry you while you're weak, and hold you when you cry. Serve and build those around you, but realize that sometimes it's ok, and even necessary, to allow another to do the same for you. We need each-other. No man is an island, and our interconnected state is the very factor that enables a full measure of fulfillment at the end of the day. We're not meant to do this alone... so stop trying.

QUOTE: "The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration." -Pearl S. Buck