Day 41: BE the right person

A day away from Stellar-Steve? I think not. (Are you sensing a pattern)? Today we spent some time at the shooting range, went to lunch, relaxed for a couple hours, then ran a few miles together. I'm so comfortable with him, and feel myself changing; trusting. He emits a quiet confidence and strength, which envelopes me with a sense of peace and protection. He's a good man. A great man. The decisions he's made throughout his life attest to it.


I didn't expect this. Not now. Not so soon. I had a 90-day plan. Heck, I had a 1 year plan! I wasn't even ready to date, yet alone share my heart - yet this is happening too naturally to deny. I've discovered a happiness and strength within that was nonexistent just two weeks ago. It's not a false strength found by leaning on him, rather a strength that stirs me to inner-excellence because I'm aware of his greatness, and long to be equally yoked.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Perhaps healing isn't always about the right circumstance or the right timing, rather the right support... the right person. Healing is not a destination, it's a journey, and along the way great people will enter, but the best seem to arrive when we're striving to be our best. By that point it's no-longer about someone who completes you, rather someone who compliments you.

"You complete me" (albeit romantic), lends to the idea that one is relying on another to compensate where they lack, which is necessary to some degree but too often taken advantage of. To "compliment," on the other hand, consists of cooperation and collaboration, in the manner which fine wine is paired with a beautiful meal. Though both may be complete and wonderful alone (I hear), when properly paired, each is magnified in greatness.

QUOTE: "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Day 40: The best is connected with the unexpected

I spent the majority of today driving home. Actually, Stellar-Steve did all the driving. I took a much needed nap, while he sweetly accommodated my variable temperature complaints without a moment's hesitation. We enjoyed good conversation, great laughs and singing at the tops of our lungs. (He can sing)! Great to travel with? Check.

As we were recapping our weekend, we both found it interesting that Saturday was anticipated to be the "big" day of the trip, yet the spontaneity of Friday led to the highlight of our weekend, and became the day we'll never forget.

TODAY'S FOCUS: It's interesting how what you don't plan can be the very thing that turns out best in life. How does that happen? I think it's all about being on the best path, striving to do the best things, and surrounding yourself with the best people - then letting go and enjoying the present moment to your best, while the best finds you.

QUOTE: "The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations." -Eli Khamarov

Day 39: Don't just endure... enjoy

Day 2 in Vegas. Yes, yes - I know it's crazy that I've even come to Vegas with Stellar-Steve... but it's Memorial Day weekend.. how could I resist? He has the weekend off, I'm without my daughter, and we both thought it would make for some fun memories. We were right. (No worries, all has been kept respectful and pure. Don't pretend you weren't wondering).

Tonight we saw Phantom of the Oprah, which was the main reason we even came down here. I've never seen it, so Steve surprised me with tickets. IN. Credible. That's all I have to say. I think I have a new favorite song... "All I Ask Of You". Sobs. SOBS. (By "sobs" I mean many tears, not to be confused with S.O.B.'s). Google the lyrics. It captures my emotions perfectly.

I'm so glad I decided to come to Vegas! I kept trying to find reasons to talk myself out of it... then it hit me: Why shouldn't I go? I DESERVE to go. Last week a friend told me, "Enjoy life. You've been through a lot these last six months. Now take some time to enjoy life." That's exactly what I'm doing.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Enjoy life. This is not to say be stupid and careless, rather step outside of the victim role, let go of any self-pity or martyrdom and enjoy what life has to offer. Find a healthy balance between work and play, then go for it, reminding yourself that you're worth it. We each deserve to enjoy life - but whether or not we do is up to us.

QUOTE: "Life is not meant to be endured, but enjoyed." -Hubert H. Humphrey

Day 38: 4 minutes, 6 seconds. Putting it all on the table.

My feelings tonight are incommunicable. My heart is blessedly happy, and I blame Stellar-Steve. Tonight will forever be burned in my mind, the imprint of which will never cease to bring a smile to my face. (Wow, that's some mushy stuff).

Yesterday Stellar-Steve and I made a last-minute decision to go to Vegas. Today we enjoyed, yes enjoyed, the long drive together and, upon arrival, immediately spent some R&R at the pool. We swam, laughed, played and cuddled. To hold and adore the man I so greatly admire left me elated. It was complete satisfaction. Later, we took a long walk down the strip, holding hands, content to simply be together. It was most interesting to experience edification, even amidst the surrounding environment of the strip.

We eventually decided on a little place to eat, grabbed a few bites, then went to the Bellagio in anticipation of the next fountain show. It began, booming powerfully, "Time to say goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli. I was touched, this being one of my favorite songs, and as we held each-other I was consumed by the music and moved to tears. (I'm a boob like that). In that 4 minutes and 6 seconds, an unforgettable moment was created. A moment in which I decided I was ready. Ready to trust again. Ready to share my heart. Ready to reciprocate what Stellar-Steve has so generously given me. Another turning point in my healing. Am I still scared? Of course. Do I have doubts? Naturally. But I'm choosing to push past those and cling tenaciously to what feels right. This. Feels right.

On the way back we indulged one spin at Roulette. Steve was about to put down $100. "How about $50?" I said. "Ok. $50." "Wait... $25." He smiled, "You can't win with what you don't have on the table." He laid down $50, told me to call it (black), and seconds later walked away with $100 in his pocket. I only wish I could've captured the looks of those faces at the table as we walked away celebrating - all of whom were obviously on a loosing streak. What can I say? I'm a lucky charm! We were giddy at the great fortune we had experienced all night. From the minute to the grand... this is a night I will never forget.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Stellar-Steve said it best... You can't win with that you don't have on the table.

QUOTE: "The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live." -Leo F. Buscaglia

Day 37: The need to need

Life is funny. One second I'm on top of the world and the next second I'm consumed with discouragement, as my faults thrash at my confidence, reminding me how far I have to go to become the woman I'd like to be. Today was one of those days. I attribute it to over-thinking, spending too much time picking apart the negative details and over-analyzing my weaknesses. It's an easy trap to fall into.

All day I was looking forward to being with Stellar-Steve, but when he finally arrived I was in an overt mood of despondency. This was reflected in my lack of enthusiasm at his arrival, but rather than showing disappointment in his missed expectations, he went right to work to understand and console me, assuaging my disheartened condition. In mere moments I found immense comfort, and the grief and worries of my day began to subside, settling quietly in the background.

I was left with a full heart, grateful for the amazing friend I have in him, and astonished at the impact he's had on me. It's humbling to feel the love and influence of great people in my life. I am blessed.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Allow, invite, and embrace great people into your life: People who lift you when you're down, carry you while you're weak, and hold you when you cry. Serve and build those around you, but realize that sometimes it's ok, and even necessary, to allow another to do the same for you. We need each-other. No man is an island, and our interconnected state is the very factor that enables a full measure of fulfillment at the end of the day. We're not meant to do this alone... so stop trying.

QUOTE: "The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration." -Pearl S. Buck

Day 36: Beautiful Monopoly

I want to write about the incredible women I spent time with tonight. I want to write about the giggles I shared with my perfect little angel this afternoon. I want to write about my futile efforts to build my business today... But I can't. Not because I don't want to... but because my mind simply will not allow it.

My decision to mentally spree on Stellar-Steve has proven most interesting. One word. Monopoly. My entire day has been void of structure and discipline, my mind lacking logic and lost in reverie. I tried repeatedly to subjugate control, but to no avail. I concluded to surrender to, and savour, the process - then wandered aimlessly around my home and sat vacuously in-front of my laptop. Hours passed.

I'm happy. Incredibly. Peace fills my heart, and hope, my mind. The day is over and I'm going to sleep with a smile. Perhaps tomorrow will be filled with a bit less oneirism... but I hope not.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Change is a sign of life, and it happens at the drop of a hat, often when we least expect it. We can, and do, have a say in what changes we attract via our thoughts and actions. Be your best self... and you'll attract the best life has to offer. Live life, and trust that good will be rewarded for good. It will. Eventually. And the wait will be worth it!

QUOTE: "Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans." -Allen Saunders

Day 35: A Turning Point: Trusting again

Something is in the works. Something good. Dare I say, something great! Remember last week, when I changed my process for a better outcome? ... I went on a service-date with a "stellar man?" Well I've thought a lot about that experience, non-stop actually, and I'm dumbfounded at the healing it provided and the hope it fostered. I've listened to endless mind-chatter for days, and concluded it's time to change the "process" of my 90-day challenge. This is about healing, and at this point, healing means trusting again. It's time to swallow my pride, set aside my stubborn determination and alter this experiment. It's time to include a man. Not just any man, but Friday night's stellar man. Let's call him Stellar-Steve. (It was either that or Sam-the-Man. Stellar-Steve is far more regal and the epitome of sexy. Go with it).

Because this blog is about my healing, I won't go into too much detail about him, but allow me to say this much: He brings out my best self, gives me strength and lights my path. He's a man of God, and to not include him in my healing process would seem a mockery. As scared as I am, I take comfort in knowing this is a righteous risk, he being unlike any man I've ever met. The outcome of this challenge was to become my best self - and when I'm with him I feel peace and an assurance toward that outcome. This is one time I'm choosing to trust my gut and reject my fears.

When I began my first 90 days, back in December, I was scared to live life without a man. A few days ago, I realized I'm now scared to live life with one. I'm absolutely petrified at the thought of becoming vulnerable and trusting once again, knowing the pain and possibility of having my heart crushed. A kiss is one thing, but to give my heart? To give my trust? That's an entirely different matter. I think to myself, "I can't handle anymore heartache. I'm just not ready for that." Yet when is one ever ready for that?

"But what if he disappoints me? What if he changes his mind half-way through? What if he betrays me? What if he decides he doesn't want me and shatters my oblivious world." ... Boo-freakin-hoo! What if? So what! Natalie, you're gonna be rejected in life. You're gonna have people who don't want you and people who don't like you, people who betray you and people who disappoint you. You know who you are, and you know what you're about. You know your worth, and you know what you have to offer. Now fight through your childish fears into adult-mode, where you can be brave enough to embrace a great man and emerge from "what if" mentality into the next step of healing: Overcoming your fear of trust.

After endless pondering, I've mustered the courage to act on what I feel. I'm breaking my own rules, crossing several lines, and taking a righteous risk. I pray I don't get hurt... but if I do... C'Est la Vie. Life is meant to be lived.... and I'm ready to start living. I've concluded that this is the next step in my healing, and I couldn't have asked for a better "partner." Bring it.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Analyze your fears and recognize what is necessary to overcome them, then find the strength and support to do so.

QUOTE: "The key to change... is to let go of fear." -Rosanne Cash

Day 34: The power of Habits

Little Gracie's molars are coming in. It made for a long day, full of tears and whining. (Her, not me. Ok, I might have whined a little). I've gotta be honest, I was grateful when 8:30pm rolled around. Although I was ready to crash, I walked to my main level and knew I couldn't go to bed without performing my nightly routine. And so it began.

I spent 15 minutes practicing piano then listened to a talk while cleaning one room at a time, right to left, top to bottom. I've done this every night for months, which is why it came easy tonight, despite the fact that I didn't want to do ANYTHING. It was a most peaceful way to end my day and exactly what I needed.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Although motivation is the beginning of change, habit is the vehicle that carries you through once motivation wears off. (and it always wears off).

Make a list of 3 or 4 habits you'd like to develop, then focus on one at a time, a month at a time. It takes about 26 days to replace a habit and 6 months of implementation to make it permanent, so choose your habits wisely. Charles C. Noble put it best when he said, "First we make our habits, then our habits make us." Sky's the limit, so choose your habits, be who you want to be and do what you want to do, because your habits are the very thing that compose your character.

QUOTE: "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit." -Aristotle

Day 33: Walking the edge and crossing the line

On this blog, this week, I've posted a day late not once... but twice. Now I'm paying for it by struggling to write when I want nothing more than to sleep. (Yes, my mind is stale and worn-out. It's glaringly obvious, for which I apologize). I need to get back to my original commitment of writing every night, the night of.

The first time I put off writing was a few weeks ago. I experienced guilt and anxiety all night, into the next morning until I checked it off my list. The second time was last week. It took me 2 days to finally write, and my anxiety was a bit less severe. My third and fourth offense occurred this week, and they just kinda rolled off my shoulders. As I was making up for Saturday I began day-dreaming about possible weekend plans and found myself saying, "I wonder how many days it will take me to catch up on the nights I miss writing."

Wait a minute! That is not acceptable. I committed to write every night, and it's time to get back on that train. (Plus I don't want to spend 3 days straight trying to be creative). So here I am. Making up for Sunday and putting Monday off until Tuesday.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Interesting, how the subtle fudging of commitments and standards can move us from tolerance of the error, to acceptance, and eventually to the embracing of it.

If you know you're in error, make the conscious decision to pull back before momentum takes you any further. Do it while you can, for once you cross that "line," it's inevitable that you'll cross the next one, with greater speed and carelessness. When you hear yourself saying, "Well, I've already done 'x'... I might as well do..." don't. Just don't. ;) It's a thin, gray line, and once it's been crossed, returning to your "old-self" or "the-way-it-was" becomes a laborious and nearly impossible expedition. (Crossing the line isn't bad when applied to righteous risk, but it's important to be aware of the line, so when you DO cross it you're ready to deal with the consequences, good or bad.)

QUOTE: “Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." -W. Clement Stone

Day 32: A Success Story: Changing Process for a Better Outcome

A few nights ago an absolutely stellar man asked me out for tonight. We didn't call it a date.... but we both knew it was. After much hesitation, I said yes. Then I said no. Then yes, and two seconds later no. I played tug-a-war a minute longer, my final verdict being yes. I slept on it, woke the next morning, and after silent deliberation called him back, only to say no. (Poor guy - I really put him through the wringer)!

His disappointment was palpable, but he held his tongue. I began to explain my reason for the change of mind - integrity - and it hit me; Integrity to what? I committed these 90 days to putting the affections of my heart upon the Lord, rather than a man. I committed to healing in a healthy manner, through positive sources. I committed to spending my time and energy in constructive outlets rather than dating. But what if I could do both?

I had just written yesterday's post and I realized I'd better find the courage to experiment on it... to practice what I preach and try focusing on outcome rather than process alone. The outcome is to heal and put the affections of my heart upon the Lord. The process was to push away all men and do it alone. But why couldn't I include a man in the process? Especially a great man?

I decided to put it to the test. It's incredibly cheesy, but I told him if he could come up with a service project, then we could go out, otherwise I needed to stay home and focus on doing something constructive and healing. You know what. He did. And I went. I enjoyed every second of it and was left incredibly fulfilled. The night ended beautifully, and he left around midnight with nothing more than a hug and nothing less than great respect.

Last night's experience was one of the most healing and hopeful since my divorce. Ironic. I guess that's the chance taken, when a chance is taken.

TODAY'S FOCUS: I'd like to expand on yesterday's post with this simple thought: If you're constantly aware of the desired outcome, the proper process will fall into place. Track and monitor what works, what doesn't work, and what could work with a little tweaking - then have the courage to act. Above all, be honest with yourself and admit whether you're moving one step forward or one step back. You can compromise process, but never compromise outcome - for outcome creates the foundation upon which character is built.

QUOTE: “Quality, quality, quality. Never waver from it, even when you don't see how you can afford to keep it up. When you compromise, you become a commodity and then you die." -Gary Hirshberg

Day 31: Commit to an outcome, not the process

I can't believe I'm already into month two! Keeping track of my daily thoughts and progress is proving helpful, as I realize exactly how long I can go with a perfect record. Not very long. lol The good news is, I'm still here and I'm still trying. (Of-course I am. I'm far too stubborn to quit).

This period I hit my required 75% success rate, in accountability. Woot woot! 85% would be better. The killer? Going to bed by 11pm? I've only accomplished this 5 times in 30 days. I might have to change it to midnight so it's SOMEWHAT realistic. Either way, I hit the 75% required so I rewarded myself by buying sparring gear. Fight, fight, fight, fight! (Said in a taunting tone, not to be confused with a cheer-leading tone).

I'm finding what works and what doesn't work, and adjusting my goals and plans accordingly.

TODAY'S FOCUS: I read a great article on how will power alone is never enough to produce long-term success. It goes through 10 necessary steps to create change, my favorite of which is to, "Commit to an outcome, not the process."

It reads, "On your path towards your outcome you may need to change the process a hundred times. It shouldn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you achieve the outcome. If, for example, you want to lose 30 lbs and you join weightwatchers or try a certain diet and two weeks later you find out it’s not working for you, don’t give up on your outcome - perhaps the method you tried is simply not the best one. Adjust your course, keep your outcome and vision in front of you and don’t give up on the vision."

QUOTE: “It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and then do your best." -W. Edwards Deming

Day 30: Thoughts are things

Today was wonderful! I was fully immersed in productivity, and enjoyed every second of it. My girlfriend invited me to join in her business, and today we spent over an hour on the phone, personally, with the CEO and founder of the company - a woman of true inspiration. She founded the company immediately after her own divorce, with $7 in her pocket and literally nothing left to lose. Ten years later, she has sold over $300,000,000 in product and is thriving. Fascinating! Her story left me in complete awe and admiration. Not so much because she's a successful business woman, but because she was a divorcee who had every right to curl in a ball and complain about the hand she had been dealt - but instead she rose above, grabbed life by the horns and shook the crap out of it. :) ... If I could be half that woman!

As I left my girlfriend's home I noticed myself walking a little taller, breathing a little deeper and striding a little longer. I was consumed with positive energy, and felt the feeling of success - as if it were already mine. I was reminded of the importance of doing activities that produce the feelings you desire, because what you feel is what you attract, and what you attract is what you become. This is why I often force myself to go running, because I know it will create the feelings needed to push past my gloom. This is why I have my accountability chart, so I'll force myself to do things throughout my day that create feelings of success and productivity, of peace and control.

TODAY'S FOCUS: As explained in "The Secret"... pay attention to how you FEEL, because your feelings are a clear indicator of the path you're on. If you always feel worried, fearful and doubtful, your life experiences will run parallel to those feelings. Alternatively, if you feel happy, successful and fulfilled you will attract those very things into your life. By adjusting your feelings, corresponding results will follow, so ask yourself how you want to feel, then do something that generates those feelings.

Remember... thoughts create feelings. Control your thoughts, control your feelings... control your feelings, control your life. (I think I skipped a step or two, but I'm tired. You get the idea).

QUOTE: "All that we are is the result of what we have thought." -Buddha

Day 29: Smile over small things

Isn't it interesting how quickly a day can go from good to bad, or (more rarely) bad to good? Today I had one of those "rare" days. It began with a little self-loathing. Just a little. Then it turned into disgust over my self-loathing. Then it turned into self-loathing over my disgust of self-loathing. Ok, I'm kidding about the last one.... but seriously. ;)

I made a decision that enough was enough and I was not going to waste another minute of such a beautiful, sunny day. After-all... tomorrow, today will become yesterday, and nobody likes a gloomy yesterday.

I decided to change the direction of my day by going for a run. As I stepped out my front door I immediately felt the sun-rays beating down on my legs. I consciously paused, my hand still on the doorknob, and savored the moment. I smiled. It was the first time in five years I've ran in shorts. (Yes, I'm blinding white. I know you were wondering). The run served as a flawless antidote for my despondency, as the warmth of the sun enveloped the cold I had experienced all morning. I smiled again. I paid special attention to the snow-capped mountains ahead of me, admiring the banter held between the sun and each settled snow-flake. The bright beauty emitted brought a smile to my face. I got home, showered and 10 minutes later went to dinner with a girlfriend. We ate outside, enjoying a modest meal and an engaging conversation, all while soaking up the sun. Perfectly content, I smiled. I drove to my soccer game, blasted some great music, and sang at the top of my lungs, smiling the entire time.

Today is over, and tomorrow, I can say yesterday was fulfilling. Tonight, I'm going to sleep with a smile.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Decide to enjoy today... TODAY! Despite what happened yesterday or what may come tomorrow, savor today and press forward with a resolute endurance. Relish the small pleasures and never relinquish a smile. As we live our best today, we will never be plagued with regrets of yesterday, so decide to enjoy small pleasures, then do so in happy fortitude.

QUOTE: "Life is made up of small pleasures. Happiness is made up of those tiny successes. The big ones come too infrequently. And if you don't collect all these tiny successes, the big ones don't really mean anything." - Norman Lear

Day 28: Elevate your inner-self by denying the mediocre

I can't get this day written for the life of me! The words feel cumbersome and the mood incoherent, so I'm posting it "as is" and moving on, trusting that at-least I got something out of writing it.

True healing includes seeking comfort through productive sources rather than destructive behaviors. I'm not there yet. I'm not the amazing, determined and resolute woman I want to be. Need to be. I proved it to myself, yet again, leaving me dejected, to say the least. Don't worry, I'm not out gettin' crazy or being stupid... but a "friend" made a surprise visit to my home tonight and I found myself relying on him for comfort and affection, rather than leaning on my own strength. What a wasted kiss. I do great for a few weeks then self-sabotage rears it's ugly head, as I put emotions above logic. I begin to doubt if I can overcome my aberrant habits, then I remind myself I MUST, and that doubt is a luxury I simply can not afford. (Of-course a kiss isn't a "big deal," but I'm striving for excellence. I don't need anything confusing me or blurring my vision).

I must believe I can conquer, continue to focus on outcome rather than process, and simply do my best tomorrow.

TODAY'S FOCUS: I was complaining about my "fall" when a good friend said, "It takes a really great kiss to be better than no kiss at all." Very well said.

As we hold out for the "best" things in life, we broaden our self-love and elevate our inner-self. We begin to, not only believe, but know that we're worthy of only the best, deserve only the best, and will indulge only the best. We realize that going without is far more rewarding than settling for mediocre, just because it's readily available. This is true of many things: the food we eat, the people we date, the entertainment we enjoy, and the clothes we wear. (Wait - Scratch that last one).

Success is about denying something mediocre today, while believing something extraordinary lies in tomorrow. Now if I can just remember this when mediocre comes knocking... literally.

QUOTE: “Mediocrity is self-inflicted. Genius is self-bestowed" -Walter Russell

Day 27: No fear... know control

Today I discovered that Gracie loves watching movies! She was adorably content, lying on the couch with her doll in one hand and gold-fish crackers in the other. ... And can I just say how great "Finding Nemo" is? I've seen it a dozen times, but the underlying message remains both heartwarming and motivating, as Nemo's dad takes on what he thought was impossible, all for a purpose bigger than himself - to find his son. His reason provides determination, and as he begins to realize his weaknesses and let go of fears, adventure unfolds in a way he could have never fathomed and success finds him. The closing scene shows a changed fish: a fish who beams with strength and confidence, has friends throughout the ocean, and owns an incredible story to share. He faced his fears, and triumphed over his weakness.

Come-on, I have a child. Comparing life to a Disney movie was inevitable.

My weakness? Craving a man's validation - thus no dating. (Letting go of this is especially hard because it goes directly against my love language). This is a driving force in my life, which is exactly why I must master it. My "why?" My Gracie. In being my best self, I'll be my best mom.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Faults and imperfections seem to be founded and fueled upon root fears. Fear of being wrong, fear of failure, fear of losing love or acceptance.... And yet people push past these fears every day and overcome. How? What is it that gives them the drive and determination to conquer, despite their fears? This answer, of course, is their "why." Their reason.

When we discover our "why" we can overcome any "how," and as we persist in confronting our fears and weaknesses, we take back the control in life. True control. We fear what we don't face, and what we don't face is the very thing that controls us. In overcoming, we walk away free. Perhaps it's time to take responsibility for our weaknesses, acknowledge our fears, muster our courage and begin the journey to conquer. It's scary to let go, but it's even more scary to live in a world of "what-ifs" and "could-haves."

QUOTE: “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” -Ambrose Redmoon

Day 26: When life gives you lemons

NOTHING went as planned today, and I was on the brink of frustration as I experienced one "plan B" after another. No worries - I pushed past it. (the frustration, not the plan B).

To begin my day, I didn't plan on going to stake conference, but at the last minute I got ready and headed out the door. I had no time to put Gracie's shoes on, so I took them with me. I didn't plan on them being so small, but apparently she's grown a little (imagine that), so I had to let her run around with bare feet, which surely won me "mother-of-the-year." I didn't plan on leaving half-way through the meeting but Gracie insisted. I didn't plan on driving to my grandmother's house so early, but Gracie fell asleep so it was an optimal time for the one-hour drive. I didn't plan on arriving just minutes after grandma left for church, and I certainly didn't plan on waiting 3 hours for her return, but that's exactly what I did. I didn't plan on buying lunch, but we were famished. I didn't plan on Subway saying "no" to American Express, nor did I plan on the munificent man behind me paying for my meal while I rummaged through my purse for cash. I didn't plan to spend the next two hours at the park, and I didn't plan on enjoying the scenic view and serene atmosphere - but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I didn't plan on the extra hours of chasing, laughing, squealing and kissing my little angel, free from any worldly distraction. I didn't plan it, but I relished every second of it.

Nothing went as planned, and I'm so grateful.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Life happens, so roll with the punches and make the most of it. Consider the trials you've experienced, the foiled hopes and plans for the future, then remind yourself that success is not determined by your ability to execute plan A, rather your ability to adjust to plan B.

QUOTE: "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." -Jimmy Dean

Day 25: You are the Creator

Another amazing day! I can only imagine the entertainment my audience must experience, to read of my resolve one day followed by my impetuous actions the next. I'm well aware that my Jekyll and Hyde shine through, but isn't that the fabric that gives life such great texture? Even I find my rhythmic resolve riveting. ;)

It's fascinating how quickly one can recover from a fall, when they just want to recover from a fall. Since Wednesday (my "fall") I've made a sincere effort to refocus on becoming the better woman I know I am. The woman who rises above ephemeral pleasures and has a tenacious drive to overcome her weaknesses. The woman who knows her potential, embraces abundance and believes she can do anything she wants to do, and be anything she wants to be. This is the woman I know I am, yet there will always be the conflicting girl inside of me fighting to be heard. The voice I choose to listen to is the voice that determines my destiny.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Pay attention to your thoughts and listen to the voices in your head. (Oh puuulease - don't act like I'm the only one who hears them). Your brain is completley indifferent to your station in life, so you might as well use it to your advantage. Whatever it hears most often, it will believe, and whatever it believes it will create. As your own creator, choose beauty. Refuse to tolerate any thought that brings you down, lessens your potential or diminishes your worth. Ignore the child-you. She's there, and she always will be, but with a little practice her voice will become nothing more than a faint and feeble noise in the background of your success.

When you understand your greatness, and embrace your divine nature, you give strength to your vision and life to your dreams.

QUOTE: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

Day 24: Go ahead... wear red lipstick!

Tonight I was with a group of friends when someone asked, "When you got married, did you feel like you divorced yourself?"

I've thought about this a lot. I'm a huge advocate of marriage, but I can't deny that it's difficult not to lose a part of yourself while fumbling for that fragile balance between co-existence and independence. Yes, marriage created a divorce in certain aspects of my life, but it also nourished some of my sterling traits. (I might have missed dancing for eight years, but I relished in our business brainstorms). I find it interesting, however, to observe how my divorce has now married me to a beautiful, undiscovered part of myself I never knew existed.

Who is this Natalie? She loves - LOVES - her short, and always red, nails. She wears skinny jeans, and wears them well. She sings out-loud, and often. Sometimes she'll even sing for a friend. She wears high-heels with jeans, and boots with leather jackets. She appreciates a great scarf and knows the value of luscious red lips. She adores her girlfriends, and is committed to finding the "cute-girl discount" each time they go out. (Hey, ya never know if you don't ask). Audio books are a constant - in the home, in the car - and she reads three at a time, while 10 more wait at the foot of her bed and two are en route by mail. She's checking off her bucket list and adding new things daily. Her fridge is plastered with motivation and inspiration on the outside, and filled with turkey and chicken on the inside! (Her x was allergic).

I like, no LOVE, the Natalie my divorce has married.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Enjoy this gift of singleness, and discover the authentic "you" hiding behind the layers. Begin by trying something outrageous and completely out of character, you just might surprise yourself. (I know I have). Start with something safe, like those shoes you secretly admire, and if you know your x would have despised them - more reason to make the purchase! :)

Push your limits. Stretch your boundaries. Do something that scares you, and then do it again. Now is your opportunity to redefine yourself, and discover the powerful person under that shroud of safe deceit. Acknowledge your yearnings, discover your passions, find your greatness and then shout it until you're hoarse. Live. This isn't a dress rehearsal, this is real life - and real life is what you make of it.

QUOTE: "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Day 23: Avoiding the Subpar Relationship

Tonight I visited with a girlfriend who's in a sub-par relationship, to say the least. She's been on and off with her boyfriend for a few years, but never quite in a place to date other men, because that would mean letting go of the one she has... letting go of what she knows, and what she's grown accustomed to. The sad truth is, he's so far below her!

I had a relationship like that in college and I remember feeling trapped, yet too scared to do anything about it. I went to college, fell in love with (almost literally) the first man I met, repressed my instinct that he wasn't "good enough," and ended up wasting a year with him - wrought with confusion and heartache. This is a pattern I will not repeat.

TODAY'S FOCUS: If he's not worth taking home to momma, don't even entertain a first date. (Men, change "he" and "him" to "she" and "her." Heaven forbid I confuse you). I know this sounds harsh and perhaps even unrealistic, but it's the most efficient path to insure you marry someone with whom you're equally yoked. Nothing is more disappointing than spending time and energy on someone only to realize, after the dust has settled, that so did you.

Because it's so easy to fall in love, we'd better be careful of who we entertain along our path, because once the ball starts rolling it's nearly impossible to stop. Attraction may not be a choice, but how we handle attraction IS. Listen to, and follow, your gut instincts. Take some time to pin-point exactly what you want in a spouse, and then choose to date only those with congruent qualities. This will help you avoid dating just "anyone," accidentally falling in love, and then settling for far less than you deserve.

You marry who you date, simple as that. We've heard it since we were children, but it's one of those truths we don't fully comprehend until we're already under the bus - and then fear of the unknown keeps us there. The beauty is, if we never step in-front of the bus, we'll never end up under it.

QUOTE: "Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses." -John Lennon

Day 22: Sacrificing false comfort

Why is it that the moment I sit down to blog I feel like I'm in a confessional? Ok, I've never actually been in a confessional, but I imagine this is what it would feel like. I can't NOT share my failures, otherwise this journey would not be honest. The truth is, by being overt I hope to preserve my integrity while palliating my hypocrisy. Hey, I'm the first to admit it's there, but I try, really I do!

Today I was running errands and decided to drop by to see my friend and try, once more, to be "just friends." Yup - not happening. I know, I know, I should be ashamed, but at this point I just shake my head and roll my eyes. Whattya do? I can beat myself up, but instead I'll just learn, get back on the horse and admit that being "just friends" ain't gonna happen.

I can resist for months, but once I decide to like someone I lay all my cards on the table and go all-in, no bluffing. I fall in love, and hard. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but I'm in no place to be doing so right now. It's what I want, but certainly not what I need. I need to heal and, unfortunately, time is the necessity to do so, NOT a man. I need to spend this precious time seeking truth, not comfort, of which I must remind myself daily.

TODAY'S FOCUS: Do you dabble, or even bask, in a false sense of comfort? Where do you turn when you feel stressed, alone or in pain? If it's a counter-productive or a destructive source, perhaps it's time step back and analyze your reasons, rather than allowing yourself to be a victim of circumstance. Ask better questions, seek truthful answers, act on your discoveries and trust that as you uncover truth, comfort -true comfort- will find you. This is not easy, and requires the sacrifice of instant gratification, but any worthy reward is worth the sacrifice.

QUOTE: "If you look for truth you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." -C.S. Lewis