Something is in the works. Something good. Dare I say, something great! Remember last week, when I changed my process for a better outcome? ... I went on a service-date with a "stellar man?" Well I've thought a lot about that experience, non-stop actually, and I'm dumbfounded at the healing it provided and the hope it fostered. I've listened to endless mind-chatter for days, and concluded it's time to change the "process" of my 90-day challenge. This is about healing, and at this point, healing means trusting again. It's time to swallow my pride, set aside my stubborn determination and alter this experiment. It's time to include a man. Not just any man, but Friday night's stellar man. Let's call him Stellar-Steve. (It was either that or Sam-the-Man. Stellar-Steve is far more regal and the epitome of sexy. Go with it).
Because this blog is about my healing, I won't go into too much detail about him, but allow me to say this much: He brings out my best self, gives me strength and lights my path. He's a man of God, and to not include him in my healing process would seem a mockery. As scared as I am, I take comfort in knowing this is a righteous risk, he being unlike any man I've ever met. The outcome of this challenge was to become my best self - and when I'm with him I feel peace and an assurance toward that outcome. This is one time I'm choosing to trust my gut and reject my fears.
When I began my first 90 days, back in December, I was scared to live life without a man. A few days ago, I realized I'm now scared to live life with one. I'm absolutely petrified at the thought of becoming vulnerable and trusting once again, knowing the pain and possibility of having my heart crushed. A kiss is one thing, but to give my heart? To give my trust? That's an entirely different matter. I think to myself, "I can't handle anymore heartache. I'm just not ready for that." Yet when is one ever ready for that?
"But what if he disappoints me? What if he changes his mind half-way through? What if he betrays me? What if he decides he doesn't want me and shatters my oblivious world." ... Boo-freakin-hoo! What if? So what! Natalie, you're gonna be rejected in life. You're gonna have people who don't want you and people who don't like you, people who betray you and people who disappoint you. You know who you are, and you know what you're about. You know your worth, and you know what you have to offer. Now fight through your childish fears into adult-mode, where you can be brave enough to embrace a great man and emerge from "what if" mentality into the next step of healing: Overcoming your fear of trust.
After endless pondering, I've mustered the courage to act on what I feel. I'm breaking my own rules, crossing several lines, and taking a righteous risk. I pray I don't get hurt... but if I do... C'Est la Vie. Life is meant to be lived.... and I'm ready to start living. I've concluded that this is the next step in my healing, and I couldn't have asked for a better "partner." Bring it.
TODAY'S FOCUS: Analyze your fears and recognize what is necessary to overcome them, then find the strength and support to do so.
QUOTE: "The key to change... is to let go of fear." -Rosanne Cash
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Natalie,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I am an avid blog-stalker of yours! :D You are a very beautiful, courageous woman, and although I don't know you, I am so proud of you! By reading of your journey, and courage, it makes me want to be a better person. I think this post was awesome. I know what it's like to be betrayed, and worry if you'll ever be able to trust a man again. But I know that we can, if we trust the Lord first to help us. I'm excited for your decision and I hope that Stellar-Steve proves forever trustworthy and able to help you continue on your journey! Good luck!
Jennifer
THANK YOU JEN! Your comment is spot on - that trust can occur if the Lord is included. That's what makes Stellar-Steve different... I know he'll include God in the process, which means I inevitably will too!
ReplyDeleteThanks for following my blog. :) It's been a good experience thus far, and your compliment made my day!
"...and when I'm with him I feel peace and an assurance toward that outcome. This is one time I'm choosing to trust my gut and reject my fears."
ReplyDeleteExcellent! I commend you for your courage and willingness to trust again. Remember, everything is possible to those who believe. And thanks for the inspiration along the way.