This morning I woke to nightmares. I usually do. These were harder than usual, however, and vividly revived the feelings of betrayal I've worked so diligently to subjugate. Fresh heartbreak was awoken and I found myself baffled, again, over the harsh change that occurred in the man I had entrusted with my heart. With my life. Knowing that he coaxed me along in my oblivion, while at the same time sharing his heart with another woman, continues to leave me bewildered and stupefied.
As I escaped that place between dreams and reality, I found myself on my knees, knowing that Christ was the quickest source to assuage my pain. I was right. Sleep returned and my day got better.
This blog is read by some in the divorced community, and I'm starting to think they deserve to know a little about my history. I haven't been one to express bitterness or even share the reason for my divorce, because I refuse to let hate fester. I'm fully aware that the sooner I forgive the sooner I get to live the life awaiting me. However, I also realize that I no-longer have loyalties to my x, nor do I feel an obligation to protect him. He's made his choice and I allow him that, letting him live in bliss, while suppressing my desire for revenge. (I trust karma will do a fine job of that on her own). In the mean time, healing and helping others heal is my #1 concern. In sharing my story, I become a real person, with a real trial, and suddenly others can relate to me. There IS hope! There IS a way to heal! And when you've done all you can do, it's time to hand the rest over to Christ.
After I woke this morning I forced myself to exercise while listening to an inspirational speaker. I was fulfilled. Four hours later I felt bored and needy. I pushed past it and went grocery shopping. When gloom hits, I try conquer it by moving my body, despite the fact that it's the last thing I want to do. Tony Robbins has said, "Motion creates emotion," and he's right. In this moment I'm happy. Very happy.
Which brings me to my thought for the day.
TODAY'S FOCUS: It's been said that happiness is not pleasure, it's victory. Happiness is earned through struggling, enduring and accomplishing. It's not some distant object to be chased, and it certainly doesn't lie within the next man, or woman, of your dreams. It's within you, and if you can't find it alone it will only be transitory with another. It's nourished through gratitude, appreciating what you have and sharing it with others. It finds you when you stop looking for it and get outside yourself, serving those around you. Happiness is achieved when one is busy. While the body toils and the mind is occupied, the heart will surely find satisfaction.
QUOTE: "Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose." - Helen Keller
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